The Rabbit Test

18 Weeks Old

2012-01-16T15:14:00.003-06:00

So, it's been a looong time since I've posted. My main excuse? Exhaustion. Like, utter, total fuck- me-this-can't-be-my-life exhaustion. I know that everyone forewarns expectant parents of this and, like every expectant parent, I flipped these Negative Nancys off in my head and told myself, "Whatever. It's not like I've had an easy pregnancy. I'm USED to not sleeping."

Guys, I was wrong. I mean, sure, I was used to frequent bouts of insomnia and three bathroom breaks a night. I was certain that I had reached a solid 8 on the Official Exhaustion Scale and a 10 couldn't break me. I was wrong on both accounts.

Anyhow, June is now 4 months old (18 weeks tomorrow). She has finally grown out of her Colic Shit Storm, but she is not, by any means, an easy baby. I was up three times with her last night for hour-long nursing sessions. That's on top of the two hours it took to actually get her down the first time. This is normal for us. So, even though she's begun to coo and smile like a horribly delicious little bundle of cuteness, she still leaves me sputtering on fumes throughout the day. Luckily, those giggles are really helping to make it all seem worthwhile.

For the record, I did not put baby girl in this hat. I've got kind of a "less is more" mindset. If the little one wants to rock that big flower, though, more power to her. It's a little Summer 2000, but I'm not going to be the one to tell her.

7 Weeks Old

2011-10-31T11:19:00.004-05:00

This is just a quick post to say that I'm alive, as is June. She'll be seven weeks old tomorrow. People often say, "Where has the time gone?!" To me, though, these seem like the longest seven weeks of my life. I love her. I adore her. But this shit is HARD right now. She has colic. I mean, she has some serious fucking colic. If that kid's not eating, she's usually crying. Napping during the day is rare. Sleeping at night is getting better, but it still takes a good two hours to actually get her down at first.

Still, I would not give it up. I know this is a phase and I've been through my fair share of waiting shit out in the past year. My pregnancy was rough and I got through that. I know we'll get through this too.

There are moments, though. Moments like these--where she is adorable and content and I think, "This is what I've been waiting for."

Also, I'm going back to work in ten days and I am currently trying my damnedest not to think about it. More on that later, I'm sure.

The Arrival

2011-09-23T09:08:00.005-05:00

Well, June is now ten days old and I'm maybe, sorta, kinda starting to get the hang of this. Dude, I knew new babies were trying, but you don't really understand it until you're faced with one, screaming its head off at 3 a.m. while you desperately try to shove nipple into its mouth.

Her journey to the outside of my womb started at the very beginning of last Tuesday--about midnight. I woke up to some labor pains. I was sure that's what they were, but wasn't sure they'd actually stick around. They were painful but manageable. I didn't wake up C until about 2:30. I told him they'd been coming for a couple of hours, but they were kind of sporadic--5 minutes apart, 7 minutes apart, etc. He started keeping track of them and, by about 5:00 a.m. they were coming pretty consistently at 5 minute intervals. They never became any closer together, though, so we decided to lay down for a while. Well, I literally grabbed his hand in bed and squeezed through that pain every five minutes for the next couple of hours. He'd be drifting off to dreamland when, all of a sudden, I'd be clamping on like a rabid dog and he'd try to soothe me for the next minute until it subsided. By about 7:00 a.m. the pain was getting pretty rough and my contractions were still very consistent at 5 minutes apart, so we decided to go to the hospital. Once we checked in and they checked my cervix (which had been at a zero during my last appointment), they said that I was already at a five.

The doctor came in and broke my water and that's when my "I am woman, hear my roar" confidence shattered into a million pieces. The pain at that point was completely horrible. The entire time, my doc had been pressuring me into getting an epidural (I know), and I had been saying, "I want to get through as much without it as I can." Well, I had done just that and, when she offered again, I exclaimed, "Yes, anything!" I swear that chick has stock in that drug company.

Anyway, the epidural took about an hour to arrive and kick in and that whole time is just a blur right now. I'm pretty sure my mind blocked it out because of the pain. They checked me once the drugs kicked in, though, and I was already dilated to a ten. I was ready to deliver about two hours after I had arrived at the hospital. I couldn't feel a damn thing below my waist, which was A-okay with me at that point. I pushed little June out without any pain and while chit chatting with the staff and completely content.

We had a pretty uneventful hospital stay and returned home with our new little one last Thursday. Since then, it's been quite a learning experience. Having C off work for this first week has been amazing and I'm sincerely dreading him returning to work on Monday. It's not that I don't think I can handle her on my own--obviously it'll all work out. It's just that it's been so nice being able to feed her and then hand her off so that I can shower/eat/dress/check email...basically feel human. The company's not half bad either.

June and I are still both trying to get the hang of breastfeeding. She becomes a crazy goblin and won't latch on for the first 10-15 minutes of feeding times. She'll put the nipple in her mouth, and spit it out. She'll mash it in all wonky. She'll get only the tip and sip on it like a princess. Basically, she'll do everything but what she's supposed to. Then, magically, she'll get it right and the relief I feel cannot be described. We go through this every.single.time. So feedings tend to last a lot longer than they need to. This is really frustrating.

But then there are times like this... times when everything's peaceful and perfect and I remember how much I longed for her. I remember all the trying times--the tests, the pills, the IUI's, the endless worries. I remember that and look at her and think about how damn lucky we are. She's amazing.

Introducing...

2011-09-14T15:28:00.003-05:00

June!

She was born yesterday, September 13th, at 10:10 a.m. She was 6lbs, 10oz and 20inches long.

I'll post more when I get home from the hospital, but...OH MY GOD!

Holding Pattern

2011-09-12T08:51:00.004-05:00

Holy crap... 9 more days till my due date. Nine. That sounds so close, yet so damn far away, too. I mean, it seems far away when I'm cracking and creaking down the hallway and still trying to digest my meal four hours after I've eaten. It's true when they say this last month is uncomfortable as hell. But, yeah... nine days.

My doc said she won't let me go more than ten days over my due date without inducing. I'm hoping it won't come to that. I have major fear of induction. Read too many horror stories. Honestly, I still possess these ridiculous dreams that I'll end up going into labor in a couple days, and magical fairies will somehow make it fast and manageable and I'll be holding my healthy baby, smiling in some sparkly earth-goddess way three hours later. She will latch on right away, and it won't even hurt. My husband will say all the right things, take all the right pictures (in which I'll look put-together and not at all sweaty and miserable) and we'll just be tranquil and perfectly happy.

I mean, that could happen, right?

Yeah, okay... I DID say "ridiculous dreams."

Anyhow, we've really done as much as I can think to do at home. We've nested till our beaks fell off and everything's ready for her to make an appearance. Hell, you guys, I even spent a couple days in the kitchen and managed to make and freeze chili, lasagnas, chicken casseroles, enchiladas, and tons of burritos, so that we don't have to cook for a while after this shit goes down.

I'm ready.

Now I'm just waiting for Wink to get the message.

38 Weeks

2011-09-06T12:11:00.002-05:00

Well, that's cheating a bit. I'm 38 weeks tomorrow. I had my OB appointment this morning, though and, despite all of that bed rest and pre-term labor hubbub, I'm fairly certain this kid is NOT coming out anytime soon. I'm still not dilating at all. I'm the same effacement (50%) that I've been since week 30. It's not that I'm dying for her to come out RIGHT THIS MINUTE (though walking has become pretty damn difficult, what with her head smushing against my pelvis), but it just makes me feel like the shitloads of distress I felt throughout my bed rest was all for naught. Who knows? Maybe she wouldn't have come out back then, whether I had ran a marathon or stayed cooped up in my bed, like I did. I guess that's the point, though. You never know...

I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm all of those things you'd expect me to be right now.

Our big Friend Holiday of the year is Oktoberfest at this little German restaurant in town, and that's happening this weekend. Despite the fact that this has been a HUGE deal for us for the past seven years, I couldn't be less enthused. I mean, the no-drinking-thing is a major reason for this, sure. But, moreso, I guess nothing can compare to the excitement of Wink.

I plan on stopping by Friday, after work, for some dinner and a huge helping of dessert. Then, I'll be leaving the rest of the celebration for C to take care of. It's his duty to party for two this year.

36 Weeks

2011-08-29T14:22:00.004-05:00

Man, I really haven't updated in a while...

There's not a lot to catch anyone up on, though. I'm 36 weeks, 5 days pregnant right now. How crazy is that? I mean, this has been a rough-ass pregnancy and all, and there were definite times (um... bed rest, anyone?) that made me feel like it was never going to end. Looking back on everything, though, it seems to have gone so quickly. My actual due date is less than a month away, on September 21. Who knows when she'll actually decide to make an appearance, though.

I've been having contractions like crazy this past week. Nothing painful. It's just a LOT of tightening and it gets pretty uncomfortable sometimes. Not a big deal compared to the myriad of other things that I've felt so far during this whole thing.

This past weekend, C and I used a coupon I had for a free night's stay at a local hotel. It was set to expire in a couple of months and I knew there was no way we'd be able to use it once Wink shows up. It was a really nice way to spend the weekend--swimming, cuddling to movies, eating free breakfast (damn, I love eating) and, basically, just enjoying each other's company.

We also managed to get some good ol' nesting in this weekend by cleaning out our hall closets and packing our hospital bag. I had a hard time with that, considering I don't have a lot of doubles of things and I'm too cheap to actually go pay for them. So, I'll be half-living out of that bag for a little while. It'll work.

I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon and I'm sure she'll just check my cervix, measure my stomach, and I'll be on my way. These appointments are getting pretty "real," though. The first time they actually checked me last week, I was thinking, "Holy shit. We're HERE already? We're to this point?"

Very surreal. Very awesome. I couldn't be more grateful for where we are right now.

Back to the Real World

2011-08-16T07:38:00.002-05:00

Well, the baby shower went well. I have to admit, I was more than a little jealous of my husband and friends all mingling about the various rooms of the house, retiring downstairs for shots, stepping out on the deck for air, and the like. It was about 85 degrees in my friend's house, and I was stuck, sweating on a couch in the living room, surrounded by my parents' older friends and C's grandmother. Still, I got out of MY house, had a lot of good food to eat, and we received some nice gifts. So, really, I can't complain.

Also? Despite all of my worry and superstition, Wink is still alive and well, and moving around like a crazy person.

Yesterday, C and I went to the OB. We got in for an ultrasound on my cervix right away and learned that, for the fourth week in a row, nothing had changed. She's still holding on at a length of 2cm. We then waited for another hour and twenty minutes in the waiting room to see our doctor. It was during this time that we told each other that if we ever decide to (and are lucky as shit enough) get pregnant again, we are definitely not using the same doctor. It's nothing against her. She's pleasant. She's easy to talk to. She seems to know her stuff, and I feel comfortable with her care. But, seriously, we've never gotten out of her office in less than two hours. Ever. 95% of this time is spent waiting. It's just not worth it.

Anyway, the nurses finally gave up on her and let us see her RN instead. She came in the room, measured my belly over my dress, and said, "Well, I have good news! You're off bed rest. Go about your business."

Yep. Just like that.

I asked about going back to work and she said it was fine. I'll stay on my medication through next week and then stop that, too. By then, I'll be 36 weeks along, and they're pretty comfortable with whatever my body decides to do after that.

So, here I am, on my last day home from office. I'm going to finish up some work from home, do some chores around the house, go out for a snack with a friend, and get ready to hop back into the full-time working world tomorrow. Very weird.

I feel like a kid getting ready for their first day back at school--nervous, excited, scared...and not quite ready to give up the comfort of home.

Nervousness

2011-08-05T11:26:00.004-05:00

I think I've managed to keep a fairly positive outlook on the outcome of this pregnancy so far. Even through all the IV's, drugs, hospital stays, and bed rest, I've always been pretty certain we'd be bringing home a healthy, live baby at the end of this. But now? Well, I'm scared as hell for some reason.

My friend is throwing our co-ed BBQ baby shower for me and C tomorrow and, in a weird way, I think this is what's bringing on all the doubt. It just seems to be tempting fate or something. I'm 33 weeks along. Every test I've had lately has been relatively positive (my cervical length went from 1.8 to 2.15 cm last week and my fFN test was again negative). I'm on bed rest but was cleared by the doc to go to the party tomorrow, as long as I sit and let people come to me.

Despite all of this, I'm worried. My best friends and close family members are all getting together to celebrate this life. They are all counting on this happening. They are all positive that things will be okay. Why does all of their certainty make me so nervous?

Here's hoping this feeling is short-lived and tomorrow can just be a day filled with fun and happiness for Wink!

The Leave Problem

2011-07-26T14:29:00.003-05:00

So, FMLA is a huge pain in my ass right now. Due to this whole bed rest thing, I'll be using up at least five weeks of my 12 government-mandated leave weeks for the year. That basically means that, if all goes well and I'm able to return to work after these five weeks, until I go into labor, I would be left with a maximum of seven weeks of maternity leave. Non-paid, of course.

I'd been saving up my vacation/sick time as much as possible during the last few years, while we'd been planning for and then trying desperately to have a baby. I was so happy that I'd saved enough to be able to take ten weeks off after Wink's born and still have another week and a half in the bank for emergencies and, you know...mental health days.

Well, obviously that's not going to happen. And I feel so cheated.

Now, only about six and a half weeks of my maternity leave will be paid (which is going to be very rough on our tight budget) and the maximum amount of time I'll be able to take will basically be seven weeks + any time I am able to work from home from now until I'm taken off bed rest. I am allowed by my doctor to work up to four hours a day now, so I'm hoping to add another week onto that seven and make it up to eight.

I know that I've been feeling sorry for myself too much lately, but I needed to get this out, I guess. I needed to tell some people who might actually understand how heavy this really makes my heart. Because, after all of the time I spent trying to have Wink in the first place, and after all of the ups and downs of this pregnancy, I've always had that paid ten weeks with my little girl to look forward to. It was a light at the end of a long tunnel.

Still, Wink is doing great and my cervix went from 18mm at my previous ultrasound to 20mm yesterday! Also, my fFn test was, again, negative. So, these are some great things to be thankful for.

Bed rest is rough as hell. Money woes are trying. But Wink is kicking away inside my belly right now, and THAT is all that really matters.

Books

2011-07-20T15:18:00.002-05:00

So, due to this bed rest situation, C and I will be missing out on our childbirth/new parent/breastfeeding classes. I'm more of a hands-on learner than a reader, but I guess I don't have a lot of choice in the matter. So, my question to you is: Is there any GREAT breastfeeding or new baby book that you'd recommend? I am not one to breeze through huge instructional tomes. Honestly, the last book I read cover-to-cover was Tina Fey's Bossypants, and that's not really the most challenging literature.

Anyway, any advice you could give would be appreciated!

Another Twist

2011-07-19T12:21:00.004-05:00

It all started last Tuesday. Horrible pains would creep around my back, to the front of my abdomen. They're the same pains I'd been having months earlier, only these were fiercer. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and they gave me some Tylenol with Codeine and told me to lay on my left side. On Wednesday night, I woke up with such terrible cramps that my whole body vibrated in pain. C took me to the hospital, where I was hooked up to monitors and we saw that I was having sporadic contractions. It was nothing that concerned the doctors. I knew the pain I was feeling wasn't exactly in line with Braxton-Hicks contractions. I mean, seriously, I couldn't talk and could barely breathe through them. I saw the doctor again the next day, and they started me on some medication to help slow contractions. It didn't help stop the pains, so I went back to the doctor on Friday. I was at my whit's end. I'd had three straight nights of incredible pain and no one seemed to give a shit about it besides me and my husband. I broke down to the RN who was seeing me that morning and just started crying. I told her how frustrated I was and that I couldn't live another day like this. She took pity on me and had me taken in to get an ultrasound of my cervix. The ultrasound tech didn't say anything to me as I laid on the table, but the nurse saw me immediately afterwards. She said I should go straight from their office to the hospital to be checked in. My cervix had begun funneling.

So, on Friday morning, I checked into the hospital and I was put on monitors for the next two and a half days. My drugs for slowing contractions were upped and I was administered two steroid injections to help mature Wink's lungs in case she came early. It was scary and uncomfortable and basically just shitty.

On Sunday they let me out of the hospital with strict instructions to stay on bed rest for at least the next five weeks. At that point, the doctor says she would be comfortable with me moving around and even going back to work, if I haven't yet given birth.

I have appointments every week now, and they'll be checking my cervix again next Monday. So, until then, I have my bed and, if my husband is feeling like less of a prison warden that day, the couch as my daily scenery. I realize this is just the beginning of this bed rest journey, and I know that some of you have done it a lot longer. Honestly, I don't know how I'll manage. I'm a fairly active person and the thought of spending every day and night in this bed is traumatizing.

It's for the greater good, obviously, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep this little girl inside of me safe. However, it's just another struggle to add to this rocky pregnancy. It seems like they're never-ending.

I think about all the things I want to do before she comes--the classes we were going to take, the get-aways that won't be, the meals I wanted to prepare, the stuff I wanted to buy...everything. I feel so cheated out of it all.

Bitterness isn't healthy, though, and I have SO much to be grateful for right now. I realize this. She's still snug and safe inside of me. She's growing as she should. She EXISTS. That, in itself, is amazing.

So, just stay in there, sweet girl. You don't want to get to the party too early.

Floating

2011-07-07T08:17:00.004-05:00

For the past four years, C and I have brought a group of our friends to my parents' house on the lake for the fourth of July. This year was no exception, despite the barrage of last-minute "Are you guys sure you're still having us over?" questions. Yes, people, just because I'm knocked up, it doesn't mean that I"m going to just roll over on the couch and ignore one of our favorite weekends of the year.

So, we all spent the long weekend cooking brisket, roaming around my small hometown, and floating on the lake. It was a good 95 degrees or so, and I'm as pale as Conan O'Brien's lovechild with Dita Von Teese, so I took extra precautions to make sure I remained burn-free. I snuggled into my inner-tube, donned a huge hat that covered almost the entire top half of my body, and slathered on the SPF. I'm happy to report I came through without a spot of red. My comrades, on the other hand, were not so lucky. We had some hurting souls after all was said and done. Still, I think they'd all say it was worth it. That was one of the most relaxing, perfect days I've had in a long time.

I wanted to post a couple of pictures and then realized that I only took video that weekend and don't actually have any stills from the holiday. I also want to show you the progress on the nursery, but my camera is a piece of shit and I literally took 20 unusable pictures the other day. I wish I could afford something better before the kid shows up, but I doubt that's going to happen. We'll have to make do with my dark, blurry point-and-shoot for a while longer, because I'm thinking she'd rather have a car seat that works than some pretty pictures of her when she was born. Oh well.

As for the unsolicited advice I keep getting from strangers? Yeah, that's ongoing. Yesterday, it was an old man as I was coming in the front doors of the hospital. He yelled at me, "Are you eating right?! You'd better be eating right."

Why is it always men? At least that's been my experience... men seem to have no problem telling me what to do while I'm pregnant. I've always heard about the "mommy wars" or whatever and the guilt I'd feel from other ladies, but I'm not getting that at all. I'm just seeing a lot of older guys who must believe we live in a patriarchy, and are all too comfortable telling female strangers how to take care of themselves and their unborn child properly. Must be nice to have all the answers...

Third Trimester

2011-06-29T12:38:00.004-05:00

Well, well, well... we finally meet. I've been wondering if I would ever see the third trimester. The first two (not to mention waiting to get knocked up in the first place) seemed to take an eternity. The thought that we're finally here? It's weird.

Today is the start of week 28, and it was also the day of my glucose tolerance test. I was actually given the liquid at my last doctor's appointment and it had been sitting in my fridge, taunting me, for the last thirty days. But today, at 9:50 a.m., I finally got to swill that sucker. It really wasn't bad. I mean, you hear the horror stories, so I guess I'd prepared my taste buds for the worst, and found it to be nothing more than some overly sweetened Kool-Aid. The only bad part was the gut rot that came afterwards. Yeah, chugging a bunch of sugar water is NOT good for my already overly sensitive stomach... but I lived.

As soon as I got to the doctor's they took my blood and then C and I waited, and waited, and waited, until the doctor finally got around to seeing us about an hour later. She quickly told me I was not diabetic, nor anemic, my weight was "great" and I'm measuring at exactly 28 weeks. So, that's all solid.

Afterward, I was dying to get some food in my belly and so C and I met down the street at this local grocery store/deli and ate some sandwiches out in the sunshine. It's beautiful outside today, and that lunch definitely made me pine for a VACATION.

Work has been less than stellar lately. I won't get into the nitty gritty, but let's just say that I've been frustrated and depressed almost every day. Then, at night, when I get home, it takes everything in me not to linger on the fact that I have to do it all again the next day and get thoroughly saddened. It's not the job itself that's killing me. It's the people. Let me say that, besides the fact that I'll have my much-anticipated child at the end of all of this (I'm remaining positive on this point), I am nearly just as excited to get the fuck out of here for a couple of months...

Anyhow, in other baby news, a close girl friend of mine, who happens to be infertile, and who has tried IVF, had it fail, and is now resigned to a life without children, has offered to throw me my baby shower. I know...

She stood up for me at my Vegas wedding nearly four years ago. I stood up for her during hers a year later. We threw each other our showers then, and I guess it's fitting that she throws me this one now. I would never have expected her to do so, of course, but I'm also not going to turn her down. I know and understand that she can't be entirely happy for me. I try to keep my baby talk to a bare minimum around her, as I'd expect her to do for me in the same situation. Because, even though you love that friend and want them to be happy, there's only so much of that shit you can take. I completely get that.

Anyhow, it's going to be a co-ed barbecue, which should limit the adorableness of it all. You guys probably know me enough by now to know that I'm totally cool with that. The fewer poop games and squealing ladies, the better. So, that's going to happen the first weekend of August. I'm pretty excited, and now I'm trying to think of a great (but inexpensive, seeing as I'm poor as crap right now) hostess present for her. I'm thinking a bottle of wine and a gift card for a meal out? What do you guys think? Any ideas?

The Inappropriate

2011-06-17T11:50:00.003-05:00

Well, it's finally started-- we've come to the Inappropriate Comment Stage of this pregnancy! I've been waiting and waiting with bated breath and it's finally here.

It all started last week while I was taking a break from work to take a brisk walk through the hospital hallways. So, I'm there, minding my own business, trucking along, when some old guy stops in my path, looks at me and says, "You really need to diet and exercise now, dear. It's important." Um... okay, guy. Thanks for the advice to exercise while I am exercising. Much appreciated. As for the diet thing? Seriously? I'm just gonna let that one go.

Throughout the rest of the week, there were several "my, you're getting bigger" comments from total strangers, who only happen to see me in the hallways every day. You know--those people you nod to because they look familiar, but with whom you've never actually held a conversation? Yeah, them.

Yesterday, though, was the kicker. I was heading down an escalator at work, just as I have everyday for the past five and a half years, when I hear a man's voice YELL from across the lobby, "Miss! Miss! Hold onto the railing!" I ignored the voice and kept riding the escalator down, when he screamed again, "MISS! The railing!" I got to the bottom and started leaving the hospital when he decided that I hadn't been thoroughly chastised and yelled, in front of a crowd of passerbys, "You really need to hold onto the railing. Be careful with that baby!" I finally looked at him to acknowledge I'd heard what he said and left the building.

Then I seethed the entire way home.

Because, seriously, what right does this complete stranger have to YELL at me about not holding onto an escalator railing? Hell, if someone yelled at a stranger's kid that way, I'd have a problem with it, much less a grown adult.

Anyway, I've had about enough of that crap... though I know it will only get worse before it gets better.

Okay, so for one more inappropriate thing that has absolutely nothing to do with babies:

My ex-boyfriend from TEN years ago emailed me today. With a dummy email address. Out of the blue. To my work email.

WHAT?

He didn't say anything inappropriate, really. He "just wanted to catch up."

I almost didn't open the email since it came from "John Doe" and I thought it might be spam, but I'm a bit more... flexible about that shit on my work computer (yeah, I know).

Anyway, I have no idea what made him decide to contact me in such an under-the-radar manner. I've read it twice so far and just keep shaking my head and saying, "what the fuck" over and over in my brain. Why the mystery, man?

So, yeah... people. People are weird. That is basically the gist of this post.

Exploitation

2011-06-13T09:51:00.003-05:00

This weekend, C and I drove down to Kansas City for the wedding of my sister-in-law's brother and his fiancée. These two have been attending our family functions together for years. They both attended my own wedding, over three years ago in Vegas. We took one of those cheesy souvenir photos with my parents, my brother & sister-in-law, and these two the day before our wedding, while we were all out for a family dinner. At the time, they had been dating for less than a year and it was one of those things where you hoped they stayed together so you didn't have some awkward photo with an ex-girlfriend on your wall a year later. Well, luckily for our hallway wall, (oh and their own happiness and futures and blah blah blah) they DID stay together we were able to celebrate with them on Saturday.

At the reception, the bubbly was flowing, and I was jealous of all the imbibers, while sipping water in my Motherhood Maternity finest. The cake cutting couldn't come fast enough. When it finally got to that part of the evening, I waited patiently in line, eying all of the tiny slivers of cake on little plates and secretly damning the two guys doing the cutting. So, I stepped up to them and said, "Listen, I'm pregnant. I can't drink, everyone here is wasted, and this cake is going to be the best part of my night. I need a big piece." One of the guys chuckled, and then slid an ENTIRE 6" hunk of unsliced cake onto a plate and handed it over. I laughed at its absurdity, but quickly gathered a handful of forks and hightailed it out of there before they could take it back. Yeah, I shared with my mom and my nieces but, believe me, I ate more than my fair share of that hunk of Red Velvet Heaven.

Pregnancy really does have its perks, you guys. You just have to learn to exploit it.

Second Trimester Honeymoon? Finally?

2011-06-06T13:17:00.004-05:00

I saw my OB out in the real world. Well, it was in the hallway of the hospital where I work (not a hospital she ever practices in) and she was in normal, civilian clothes. It felt weird. Like when you see your teacher at the grocery store when you're a kid.

Anyway, this weekend, C put the changing table and crib together. The only reason we have them so soon (well, soon to the IF community...probably dreadfully late to weird fertiles) is because they were on sale for a limited time.

They look fantastic and, now that they're in Wink's room, I have this overwhelming desire to get everything else done in there. I know I'm in no hurry. I'm only 24 weeks along. But, once I start a project, I'm the type of person who wants it done. Like now.

Also, I think that nesting has officially kicked in, because I see projects literally everywhere I turn at home. I was seriously obsessing about our freezer last night. "Oh no! we can barely fit these peas in here! How am I supposed to fit bags and bags of breast milk and all of those casseroles I'm supposed to cook for us to eat right after the baby's born?! What will we do?! Must organize!"

Crazy shit, guys. I feel really lucky and happy right now. Life is good. I think the summer sun and the ticking off of tasks on the ol' to-do list is really putting a spring in my step.

All Good Stuff

2011-06-01T10:47:00.003-05:00

I know I'm a little slow on the draw, here, but Memorial Day weekend was really great. It wasn't relaxing by any means, but we got a TON of shit done, and that always puts me in a good head space.

We spent Friday night dressed up and out on the town with our friends. A few weeks ago, about ten of us made reservations at this dark, cozy, little restaurant for a get-together. Well, when we all got there, they showed us upstairs to our own, private lounge area. It was basically like a bed and breakfast without the beds. We had the entire top floor of this converted house to ourselves--the lounge, dining room, and bathroom were all for us. We spent a couple of hours drinking cocktails (well, I had seltzer and lime...ugh) and eating h'ordeuvres, and then moved into the dining room for dinner. One of my guy friends brought each of the ladies a rose. Aww...

It was kinda like prom but without the crepe paper decorations and dancing.

My parents came to town on Saturday and, while my dad was busy helping C with outdoor projects, my mom and I went shopping for supplies to fix up the nursery. First, we went to the craft store to find frames for these awesome "vintage" space travel posters I bought. We ended up getting great dark wood frames and the perfect color of matting to tie them together.

Next, we found fabric and tie backs for the curtains and a little shelving unit that will slide into Wink's closet. It came complete with baskets with pink fabric, but we found some darker fabric with tiny stars to replace it with. I'm no sewer and neither is my mom but, luckily, there are far craftier people in this world than us, so they're on top of putting this stuff together.

After that, we picked up paint and lumber to finish off the closet shelves.

Once we had done all of this, the day was pretty much spent and we retired to one of my friend's houses for a little barbecue. Nice day!

On Sunday morning, we got to work putting the closet together and painting the entire room a light grey color. We're going kind of neutral because we're using the posters and fabrics to bring in color. Easily changeable! My mom really worked her butt off, because MY butt was pretty damn lazy. I mean, I definitely did what I could, but she took on the brunt of the work and I'm totally grateful for that. She's already Wink's favorite grandma (I'm declaring this on her behalf).

Anyhow, we had an OBGYN appointment on Tuesday and all looked great with Wink. My belly's measuring correctly, and her heartbeat was good and strong. Not much to say about that. The appointments are becoming a little bit routine/boring lately, which is GREAT. The next time we go (June 29th) is my dreaded glucose challenge screening. I thought it was weird that she gave me the bottle of red drink already. It's sitting in my fridge now, waiting for me to chug it in four weeks. Don't most people drink that crap AT the doctor's office? Well, whatever... less time spent in the waiting room, I suppose!

The Office Exception

2011-05-27T11:30:00.004-05:00

Okay, so one of my co-workers is a grandpa and he's had FIVE grandbabies within the last two years. We've always had a pretty good relationship, despite his extreme old-man grumpiness, because we had to share an office for a couple of years and were forced into a kind of easy rapport.

Well, it turns out that he was thinking of me over the weekend, because he got his son and daughter-in-law to go through all of their old baby clothes and sack up two HUGE shopping bags worth of stuff for us. He brought them to me at work yesterday and managed to completely lift my "people are shit" funk for a good 6-8 hours!

I went through them as soon as I got home yesterday. I didn't end up counting things, but I'm pretty sure we ended up with at least 30 onesies, 10 pants/shirt combos, 30 footed pajamas, four sleep sacks, and a few random jackets, mittens, etc. Score!

I seriously spent an hour and a half on the floor of our living room, spreading them all out and sorting them into piles by sizes, cooing over the cuteness. When C got home, he was all, "Umm... wow! That's a lot of baby clothes. Cute." Then he went on with his normal routine without so much as picking up a onesie. How?! How do men do this? I mean, I think you guys all know that "girly" is not an adjective one would use to describe me, but seriously? How can you look at an entire room full of free, adorable baby clothing and NOT want to squee and sort through the cuteness? I guess there's more girl in me than I thought.

Anyhow, since a few of you had been asking, I've decided to put up a belly picture. Yep. I'm breaking that barrier. I'm covering my face, not because of anonymity concerns, but because I had taken off all my makeup and looked tired and haggard as shit. I don't need to go scaring the internet.

Here I am at 23 weeks:

Grey Skies Have Gotta Clear Up

2011-05-25T12:14:00.005-05:00

I've come to the conclusion today that people are dicks.

Well, there are exceptions, obviously--you guys being some major ones. Seriously, though, I would have never been able to predict the sheer level of dickitude that I would come across while pregnant.

I've already told you about several people at work telling me how stupid I was to get pregnant--what every pregnant lady wants to hear...especially after a fun bout of infertility!

Since then, I've been inundated with negativity everywhere I turn. Today, for instance, one of the docs I work with told me, "You're getting pudgy." Then he went on to ask the sex of the baby. When I told him I was having a girl, he said, "Ughhhh... a GIRL?! Why a girl? There are too many frickin' girls being born right now." Ummm... sorry, dude. He went on to say, "Well, I know YOU'RE happy about it, because you're a woman. How does your husband feel, though?"

Seriously? Every man wants a son and every woman wants a daughter? This is how the world works?

He is now the fourth person to show disdain for the sex of my daughter, and the fifth person this week to tell me I'm gaining weight.

Honestly, my sensitive pregnant brain wanted to do nothing more than leave work, go home, and sulk after that happened. I just don't want to be around it anymore. I'm having such a hard time finding acceptance, support, and happiness from people. It seems that all anyone around me wants to do is commiserate about the bad and no one wants to dwell on the good.

Maybe part of this is my own doing. I don't know. I haven't been very forthcoming about ANY of my pregnancy. I mean, I don't post about it online (this blog being the glaring exception), I don't talk about it to my friends. This is due to the fact that the majority of them are guys who I assume don't want to hear about it. My close girl friend is, herself, infertile and I am trying to be very sensitive to the fact that she probably doesn't want to hear a lot of detail about this pregnancy. I'm just not one to go on and on about myself. I'm a private person in real life and, mostly, I figure people don't want to know if they don't ask.

But this mentality has also led me to feel really isolated. I don't want to be gushed over. I just want some sort of acknowledgement that isn't negative every once in a while.

So, that's where I am right now, emotionally--kind of down, but also desperately looking to be UP.

This weekend, my parents are coming into town. My dad's going to help my husband with some outdoor stuff, and my mom and I are going to PAINT THE NURSERY! We're also going to build some kind of organizer into its tiny closet and hopefully get everything ready to start housing baby furniture. Weird, right? Weird and awesome. I'm really looking forward to this. Positivity and progress!

The Belly Cometh

2011-05-20T15:12:00.003-05:00

Holy crap, dudes... I totally popped.

I mean, I hate that term. But I did. There's no other way to describe that shit.

I went from having a little bump which only my most faithful observers have noticed to, in a matter of days, catching the eye of every person in the hallway.

I glanced at my reflection as I was walking past a window at work just now and thought, "Whoa, who's that pregnant lady?!"

So weird.

I also ate a small sandwich for lunch about three hours ago and still feel it sitting in my gut. Things are changing, people...

Hangin' In There

2011-05-16T08:23:00.004-05:00

So, it's been a while since I posted. Basically, it's because I've felt like crap and there's only so many times I can write about all of the crap before even I want to shoot myself in the face.

Apart from the constant, never-ending nausea, I'm still experiencing those sharp pains in my side/back. They've been going on for about a month now and haven't stopped. I mean, they're not constant. They happen about once a week and, when the pain comes on, it's completely debilitating. I'm talkin' writhing on the floor in a ball, breathing lamaze-style, wanting to just pass out kind of pain. It lasts for 1-2 hours at a time, and it's horrible. The worst part is how much it makes me fear for my baby.

No one can seem to give me any explanation for the pain. Any time I call about it (three times now), I'm made to tell my complete history over again to someone who obviously thinks I'm an overreacting sissy and takes nothing I say seriously.

The Pain came on again on Saturday morning. I took my Tylenol, laid down, and breathed and sweat through that shit for a good hour and a half before I just couldn't take it anymore. I called my doctor's office and had the on-call doctor paged. Wouldn't you know it, when she called me back, it was MY doctor! Yay, right? Well, not so much... her first sentences to me were, "Okay, well, I'd like you to take some Tylenol and just lay down and see if it gets better after an hour. Remind me, are you pregnant?"

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Yes, at that point, I wanted to literally throw the phone across the room and start sobbing. My husband could see how much pain I was in and seemed to be the only person in the world to believe that shit.

When I explained to her that I'd done that already and nothing was subsiding, she told me to go check into Labor and Delivery and she'd have them run some tests. So, we made the trip, checked in, and wouldn't you know it, that's exactly when I started feeling better. It was like taking your car to the shop because it keeps making that NOISE and then, as soon as the mechanic turns the key, the noise is gone and you look like a dumbass. Yeah, well, they checked me into a room, took my urine, and then we preceded to wait for two and a half hours while the on-call resident finished a circumcision and then a c-section. She came in, asked some questions, determined that there's nothing she could do for me at that point, since the pain had subsided, and let us go. I asked her if she thinks this pain could be harming the baby in any way, and she said she really didn't think it was related to my pregnancy at all. So, I questioned why it's only happened while I've been pregnant and then stated, "Well, even if it's not hurting the baby, it's still hurting the hell out of me, so I'd love to know what the heck it is."

She just agreed that it would be nice to know and then suggested I follow up with a phone call to my OB on Monday.

Yep.

So, here it is... Monday morning. The office opens in twenty minutes, at which point I'll call, explain all of this over again to a scheduler, explain it again to a nurse, explain it again to my doctor (after I remind her that, yes, I am pregnant) and then probably be told AGAIN, "I'm sorry. I just don't see anything wrong with your labs. You could take some Tylenol and just try to breathe through it....."

Anyway, to end this post on a bright note, because my mother always taught me to look on the sunny side of things and smile through life's crap, I will tell you that yesterday, while hunkering down with me during my doctor-mandated day of rest, C finally felt Wink kick him! I'd been putting his hand on my stomach every time I felt her getting especially active, but he'd never felt a thing until yesterday. He felt her at least three times and I could tell how much those kicks meant to him... they meant a lot to me too.

It's A...

2011-05-03T10:37:00.003-05:00

..................... Girl!

All went well at the ultrasound yesterday. They actually got me back to get scanned pretty quickly, which was a great relief considering the 50 oz of water I was commanded to drink was sloshing around in my gut, making me more than just a little uncomfortable.

The ultrasound equipment wasn't as sophisticated as I had hoped, so there wasn't a great amount of detail to the pictures. I mean, I saw her profile, there was a moment that I yipped when I saw her little feet press against my uterus, and I got to see her playing with her favorite toy (the umbilical cord) for a few brief moments. Mostly, though, things looked like a blur. It went so quickly!

The good news, though, is that everything was looking just as it should. She was measuring at 19w5d, which is exactly where I am right now. We didn't even have to wait to find her sex, as it was the first thing the ultrasound tech brought up on the screen. BAM! Vagina.

Honestly, I have to admit that my first reaction to the girl news was one of trepidation. I mean, I'm a tomboy. I grew up playing video games, making forts outside with my brother, taking archery lessons, etc. The majority of my friends are men. I just feel more comfortable with the "masculine" side of the spectrum. Women are awesome. I mean, hell, look at you ladies. But I guess I always imagined I'd be raising a boy. So, yeah, the announcement if "it's a girl!" made me shake a little. After I let things sink in, though, I couldn't be happier.

The label of "boy" or "girl" isn't a sentence. People are people, right? I may have a girly girl, or I may have a rough and tumble tomboy. I may have a little girl who likes playing drums, writing poetry, or climbing trees. As long as that little girl's happy, I know I will be, too.

After the appointment (and an unprecedented FIVE sticks in my arm in order to get one measly vial of blood for testing), C and I headed out shopping. We decided to pick up Wink's very first outfit. In fact, it's really the first thing we've bought for her at all. After much back and forth on what ONE perfect outfit to buy her, we just threw in the towel and each picked out our own.

Side note: Dad's going to be dressing her in a lot of retro-inspired pieces, from what I can tell. Also? He has a weird thing about monkeys on children's clothing--thinks they're "way too popular." What a snob.

With new outfits in hand, we were off to the bookstore. We picked out a couple of those baby naming books to flip through while drinking our coffee, and spent about an hour shooting out names at one another. We definitely have things narrowed down. Not surprisingly, I already had a first name in mind, but the second name is a bit up in the air right now. Really, we just did it for fun and it totally was. I mean, how many times in life do you spend your afternoon brainstorming a name for your FUTURE CHILD?! This is going to follow her around for the rest of her life.... heavy shit.

We ended the day by clearing some final things out of Wink's future bedroom. My mom and I will be painting it soon and then... well, I guess it'll actually be ready for...dun dun dun... a CRIB! Wow...

Just wow.

(P.S. Sorry to those of you who had to see this post in their reader THREE times. I kept accidentally posting before I'd finished/edited. Is pregnancy brain a real thing? Anyway... I suck. My apologies.)

19 Weeks

2011-04-27T09:34:00.005-05:00

Well, those sharp pains I've been feeling in my side/back? Still no idea what it is. It lasts way too long (sometimes for hours) to be typical round ligament pains. Maybe my weird body isn't typical, though? I went in for an ultrasound last week to check out my organs. Kidneys, gall bladder, etc... all good. My blood tests came back normal. So, I guess there's nothing "fixable" going on and I'll just have to live with it. Which...c'mon. Story of my life lately.

Also, while I was getting all my abdominal organs scanned, you'd think the ultrasound tech (who I'd made sure to be EXTRA nice to that morning) could maybe just shift her little wand a couple inches south and show me a picture of Wink. But, no. She was all business. So, I am still waiting until this coming Monday to see the kid.

C and I have decided to take that entire day off work. We were planning on just going back to the office afterwards but, after very little coaxing from my side, we decided to make a holiday out of it. A three-day Winkend! After the appointment, at which point we'll hopefully know the sex of the baby, we'll go out to eat, talk about names, go buy our FIRST Wink purchase, and hopefully bask in the glow of new parenthood. You know... as long as I don't get some crippling pain or horrible nausea first.

I'm completely excited. It's pretty much the only thing I've been able to think about for a week now. I totally understand those of you who didn't/do not want to find out the sex until birth. Especially after IF, adding more clinical interference to your already overly clinical pregnancies can seem a bit much. However, I've ALWAYS wanted to know. I've never let myself really imagine getting to this point in a pregnancy. I've read about other people getting to that mid-way point and remember thinking, "Wow. That's amazing. It must feel so real to them to know the sex." I guess that's what I'm going for here. I mean, in a way, Wink feels real. But right now, it's kind of like a little, moving, dancing concept. I'm hoping that, after the anatomy scan, I'll be able to let some guards down and start thinking of him/her as a real baby with a real name who will REALLY be living in our house this fall.

Last week I won a little Flip Cam from the North Carolina Visitors' Bureau. Weird, I know. But it allowed me to start making little videos for Wink--you know, showing off my belly and giving some incubation reports. I'm not posting them to the internet or anything. I figure that we'll keep them in a folder on our computer and, someday, the kid might be interested in knowing all this stuff. I know it would be cool to go back and see my mom at 21(!), pregnant with me and letting me know what she's going through/thinking. So, hopefully Wink will feel the same way.

Okay... I'll shut it for now. Five more days!

Seeing Both Sides

2011-04-19T10:31:00.003-05:00

It's weird how long I spent daydreaming about being pregnant. I'd read updates on Facebook from expectant mothers and, if one complaint was uttered, I'd snidely comment in my head, "That bitch doesn't know how lucky she is." And, while it's true that I feel incredibly lucky to be pregnant right now, I am also starting to find myself understanding and virtually commiserating with those same types of women. I keep it under wraps, mind you. I'm still far too suspicious and fearful of their world to really participate in it. Underneath, though, I'm getting it.

These last four months have been hard. From the constant nausea/vomiting, to the dehydration, to the now stabbing pains in my back/side (which I'm seeing the nurse for this afternoon), this pregnancy has been a cavalcade of tiny miseries.

I would never give this pregnancy back for anything. I cannot wait for the day that C and I see our little Wink in person. To think that this shit isn't hard, though, or that pregnant ladies need to just stop complaining and realize how good they have it? Well, those are things I'll never think again.

That IV I last told you about? I was hooked up to the little bastard for two days. It could've been a lot worse. However, sleeping, washing, driving, and working with that damn backpack connected to my arm was about as fun as a root canal.

C's picking me up at 2:00 today to take me to the doctor's office in order to see what's up with these pains I'm having.

Still, Wink remains active as all get out. I felt an actual big kick or flip yesterday. It wasn't like the flutters I've been feeling lately. It was a bit jolting... in a good way. I love that kid more than I can explain.

This entire experience has given me not only a huge appreciation for my baby, but my husband too. I've always known I have a good one on my hands, but his constant attentiveness and care has made me fall even more in love with him than I already was. Some people say that women become moms during their pregnancy and men become dads when they first hold their babies. In C's case, though, I feel like I've already seen him as a "dad" a million times. He takes care of his little family like a pro. I really couldn't ask for more.

My heart still belongs to the IF crowd who knows that all the pain is worth it, and that they'd go through a million little heartaches in order to get that family at the end of it all. Still, I'm thinking that those complaining pregnant ladies maybe aren't the devil after all. They should probably keep that shit off Facebook...but they might actually have a damn point.

Good/Bad

2011-04-13T13:17:00.004-05:00

First of all, let me start off by saying that I am a lucky woman. I had a great trip with my husband and guy friends to a lake house in Iowa this past weekend. We ate tons of great food, went for walks by the water, and enjoyed watching old home videos of the gang when we were young (in our 20's) and foolish.

Now, let me tell you the not so great part-- I had to start taking antibiotics and an acid reducer for the stomach bacteria that my doctor discovered last week. I'm taking 10 pills a day and, ever since I started this regimen, things have been going downhill, nausea-wise. It's not that it was ever great, either. I still haven't had a day in the past four months where I've felt "normal." However, I was starting to get used to that dull nausea and was able to deal with it. Ever since I started the antibiotics, though, things have only gotten worse, and I've started puking again. After a call to my OB's nurse this morning, I'm now being set up with a portable IV. Um... yay? I will get to sleep, shower (?) and work with the little monster for the next day or so, and then we're reassessing the situation if things don't get better.

So far, I haven't gained any weight, but I haven't lost any either, so I'm not too worried about that. I'm 17 weeks along today, so it's not a big deal yet. I'm mainly worried about not getting enough fluids. I just can't stomach water...or any liquid for that matter. I struggle to choke down about 30 oz a day, which really sucks. So, hopefully the IV will right things.

On another totally wonderful, completely amazing, POSITIVE note, I started feeling Wink this past weekend during our trip! We were sitting in my favorite bar, playing poker, and as I sipped my club soda, I felt an unmistakable baby poke inside of me. I've felt Wink every day since then, and it's definitely what's getting me through everything lately.

Way to be, Wink! Keeping mama sane...you're a good kid.

The OB

2011-04-07T08:26:00.002-05:00

Well, we went to our first OB appointment on Monday and it was really a mixed bag. We got to our appointment about fifteen minutes early because I'm a new patient and I figured they'd have paperwork for me to sign. We did that and then proceeded to wait in their big waiting room for about twenty minutes. Not bad. I got called back and was asked what I was being seen for.

Me: Pregnancy?

Nurse: You're already pregnant?

Me: Yes. 16 weeks on Wednesday.

Nurse: Well, when was your last period?

Me: Um... (trying to quickly do that math, since I've long forgotten my LMP)

Nurse: Well, why didn't your last doctor send your information?

Me: She didn't? I had asked that it be sent here.

Nurse: (After clicking around on the computer) Okay, here's some stuff.

Ugh... okay. So, she took my vitals, had me pee in the cup, and then sent me to meet C in a tinier waiting room for a while. A "while" turned out to be an hour. We finally got called to an exam room and waited there for another half hour for the doc. At this point, we were both REALLY missing our RE's office.

Our new OB came in, though, and was perfectly lovely. She asked a bunch of history questions, told us about the practice, reminded us that, being past RE patients, we're probably used to a lot of scans, which won't be happening anymore. Basically, she was down-to-earth and easy to talk to. I liked her right away. We heard Wink's heartbeat (a healthy 150) and she measured my stomach to be right on track.

She asked how I'd been feeling and I told her that I'm still feeling really shitty every day. I wake up nauseous and go to bed nauseous. I never feel "normal". Ever. She said that there's a couple things she could test for, but most likely I'm just a really unlucky person who will be nauseous for a while. She gave me the list of all the crap that's supposed to help nausea, which I've heard a billion times. Seriously. Go shove your ginger up your ass, because that shit's not helping.

The doc left and gave her nurse a list of things to take blood for before I left. Now... I'm no blood wimp. I think anyone who's been through IF and RE's offices knows a thing or two about blood draws. At first, I hated that shit, but you get used to it after a while and it's no big deal. The only thing holding me back is my blood pressure. Mine is really low--usually hanging out around 86/60 or so. Because of this, I'm good with one or two vials going out, but if you try getting more than that out of me, my body's all "what the hell, dude?" and starts shutting down. The nurse failed to mention to me that she'd be taking SIX vials. So, when I was sitting on the little examining table and she got started, I was all smiles. After a few vial changes, though, the lightheadedness started. I looked over at C and grimaced. He tried to goofily smile at me like that crap was going to stop me from passing out. Gotta love him. I tried telling the nurse that I wasn't doing so hot, but she just said, "Oh, this is a lot less than they take from you at the Red Cross." Really? Yeah, lady, I can't give blood there either... Finally, I just kinda yelled, "I've gotta lay down!" Once I did that and put my feet up, all was fine. My vision returned and the world started coming back to me.

After Mean Nurse left, we were free to go.

Well, last night, while curled up in a ball on the couch, waiting for a decent hour to go to bed and rid myself of nausea for eight more hours, my phone rang. Since it was "late," my phone was in a different room, and I was feeling shitty, I didn't get up to answer it. I figured they'd leave a message if it was important. Well, they left a message. It was my OB. She said, "Okay, I know why you've been feeling so crappy lately. Your test came back positive for a stomach bacterial infection. I'll be out of the office on Thursday, but give me a call on Friday to talk about your treatment options." AHHHH!! I called her back immediately but, of course, got the machine. I called the on-call nurse and she said she'd leave her a message, but there was nothing in my chart that indicated what treatment she wanted me on and I'd have to wait. NO! People, I'm leaving the state on Friday morning and will be gone all weekend!

I've been beating myself up about missing this call all night and day. Now, I will have to suffer the entire weekend because I was too sick and lazy to get up and answer my damn phone.

I'll call her during the car ride on Friday morning, and hope that she can have some kind of prescription sent to a nearby town, but I'm not holding my breath....

Stomach bacterial infection? Seriously. My body is just fucking with me now.

Happy Monday

2011-04-04T11:38:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was the kind of day I've been pining for all winter long. It was 78 degrees, sunny, and perfectly gorgeous. C and I spent the day taking a walk, washing our cars in the driveway, grilling out for lunch, and relaxing on the deck.

Today, as I stepped out the door to leave for work, I was greeted with howling winds, dark cloudy skies, and a chilly nip in the air. Ahh.... life in the midwest.

Still, I can't be anything other than happy right now because I have my first appointment with our new OB this afternoon, after graduating last month from the RE. I kind of doubt I'll get an ultrasound, but I imagine we'll get to hear Wink's heartbeat, and that will never get tiring.

Also, C just emailed me to let me know that he's been daydreaming of Wink getting old enough for them to play Legos together. This kind of melted my heart...

The Weekend

2011-03-28T12:41:00.003-05:00

This past Friday, I managed to find a cold weather dress in my closet that I could still fit into without looking too lumpy or weird and LEAVE THE HOUSE that evening! It was the first time I'd managed to go out at night and be social in....well, three months. My bad nausea usually really takes hold in the afternoon/evening, so that's left me with very little ability to see my friends past the hour of 2-3 pm. Friday, though, I climbed into those tight pantyhose, cut a little slit at the top to give Wink some room to breathe, dug out my high heels, and joined our friends at a nice restaurant for a lovely evening. I even managed to stay up later than I have in ages--11:00 like I'm a damn adult human or something!

We were able to let a few more of our friends in on the news, and the waiter even made me a fancy mocktail with garnishes and all the works. It was great to get out and socialize. You forget how much you NEED that kind of thing every once in a while.

As C and I were leaving the restaurant, he said, "Well, at least our bartender knows now. That's important." (One of our friends at the dinner is our favorite local bartender) Indeed, it is. I think he was more excited for us than anyone else there.

On Saturday, C and I managed to work ourselves into a huge tizzy, worrying over finances once the baby's born. We sat down and talked for hours about daycare, diapers, and all of the shit that has been driving us crazy lately. By the end of it, we didn't have a ton of answers, but still felt a lot better. Letting that crap out and seriously getting on the same wavelength with each other really does help...even if you don't have any solutions by the end of it.

Sunday was my day to pay for the fun I had on Friday. See, I knew I couldn't get away with an entire day of feeling normal and having fun. There has to be a little tit for tat in this pregnancy. So, from the moment I woke up on Sunday, my body said, "Payback's a bitch" and I started vomiting...and vomiting...and vomiting. Things settled down by bedtime and I was able to get an okay night's sleep, only waking up twice to pee (score!).

Anyway, I've been feeling really sentimental lately, like I want to write down everything for posterity--the good and the bad parts of this pregnancy. I want to remember every damn thing I can. So, I'm sorry if sometimes this crap just reads like a list. I'll try to actually be insightful every once in a while. Just know that I really, truly do appreciate everything that's happening right now. I am in complete awe that there's an actually, living, flipping, thumb-sucking human inside of me right now.

Our first appointment with our new OB is on April 4th. That shit can't come soon enough.

More Milestones

2011-03-22T13:56:00.005-05:00

This weekend was pretty monumental, as far as actually recognizing this pregnancy in a real way goes.

First of all, C and I actually got to work cleaning out the exercise/guest room which will eventually become the nursery. Well, to say it's an exercise/guest room is pretty gracious. It's basically a room with a treadmill, a futon, and a shit ton of boxes that we never really unpacked from our move three years ago. So, we went through all of those boxes and loaded up the car with donations to Goodwill. Then we went through our clothes closets in order to purge what no longer fit or, you know... could never be worn in good taste again.

We still have a lot more to do before we can actually start painting and turning that room into a nursery but, hey, we got one step closer.

Also, on Sunday, my mom came into town and took me...DUN DUN DUN... Maternity Clothes Shopping!

THAT, my friends, was a huge fucking milestone. I've been able to fit into my work pants just fine if I'm standing up. Sitting down, however, was another matter. If I wanted to do so for more than fifteen minutes, I'd need to discreetly unbutton those suckers in order to give me and Wink a little breathing room. Then, there was the whole issue of remembering to RE-button them when I stood back up.

Well, after three hours with my mom in the mall, I am now managing to sit AND breathe at the same time...no unbuttoning needed! She spoiled me rotten and bought me three pairs of work pants, a pair of jeans, a few shirts, and even a dress. I'm a lucky girl.

Really, I never thought I'd get to the point in my pregnancy where I'd need maternity clothes, or have to start thinking about getting a room ready for the baby. Just like the transabdominal ultrasound that came earlier, this was one of those points that I really only thought other women reached.

It seems like a dream.

A still pukey (what the fuck is up with that?), nauseous, tiring, bloated, beautiful dream....

13 Weeks

2011-03-16T08:40:00.004-05:00

I've been coming out of the closet little by little at work the last couple of days. A co-worker here, one of the physicians I work for there. So far, these are some of their choice comments:

Older male co-worker: (Gives me a hug) It's going to be a girl. I can see it on your face. Your face looks like a girl baby face.

Young male doctor with kids: I'm sorry to hear that. Get ready to give up spontaneity and fun for the next decade or so.

Older male doctor with kids: Oh. Well, congratulations, I guess. Why'd you do that? (waits a few minutes and comes back) Hey, you've got a 50/50 shot of that thing turning out okay. That was my batting average anyway.

Sooo... needless to say, I'm not SUPER excited about telling the rest of the folks around here. In fact, I'm not super excited to tell anyone. It's not that I don't want people to know... I do. I just wish I didn't have to be the one to tell them. I wish there was an easy, non-showy way to announce to everyone that you're pregnant. I think about all of those announcements I had to deal with on Facebook and the like while we were trying and failing to get pregnant, and the last thing I want to do is be one of those people.

This should be a FUN part, right? All those stupid books and websites say it's fun. But, really, it's just making me self-conscious and anxious to retreat.

First Trimester Screening

2011-03-15T10:06:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was a great day. C and I took the entire day off work AND we had our first trimester screening ultrasound.

Instead of waiting in a room with a herd of women and being called in first-come-first-served style like we're ordering pastrami at a deli, I had an actual APPOINTMENT! There was no one there but us and we were ushered back to our exam room within a matter of minutes. Fancy!

Also, guys, instead of giving me the "strip from the waist down, cover yourself with the sheet and we'll be in in a few minutes" spiel, the nurse told me just to unbutton my pants, lie down and lift up my shirt a bit. Holy Shit! A real life transabdominal ultrasound! Just like the movies! I honestly thought that day would never come.

She squirted the jelly on my belly and I leaned back for the 15-20 minute show. I could've watched it all day. Wink was calm at first, just chilling out and not cooperating one bit. Then, she had me go urinate so that he/she had more room to rock and roll and that's when the party got started. After that, Wink went batshit crazy and I honestly think the nurse was getting pretty frustrated, but she kept her calm very well. She sort of said, "Welp, I'm going to go ahead and put him at 1.5 cm for the NT measurements, which is well within the normal range we like to see." It seemed like she was giving up the battle at that point, but I can't blame her. The kid put up a good fight.

So, after the ultrasound, I got my blood drawn, they blotted it onto a little card to send to New York, and I was told, "Happy graduation! Send us pictures!"

That part was bittersweet. I LOVE my RE office and I've never been to my new OB yet. Everyone I've mentioned her to has had nothing but good things to say, so I'm not too worried about the move, but you know... you get so comfortable with the staff and the routine somewhere, that you feel kind of lost when they finally let you go.

After the appointment, I still felt good! I mean, I didn't feel like barfing at all. So that was pretty amazing, considering it was the first day I'd made it to 1:00 without feeling like complete shit. C and I seized that window to walk around the shops all afternoon, completely relishing the lack of Monday afternoon crowds and just laughing and feeling like ourselves for once in a loooong time.

It was great.

Today, I'm back at work and, wouldn't you know it, woke up with a MAJOR head cold. Oh well... back to reality.

Testing the Water

2011-03-07T11:29:00.004-06:00

So far, there are very few people in my life who know about this pregnancy:

My parents

C's parents

My work wife (we share an office and know every detail of each other's lives)

My boss (I had to tell her due to my constant nausea and need for time off)

That's it.

This weekend, my mother-in-law, who is interesting, as my mom would say, came to visit us for a day. She insisted on taking us out for lunch, even though all types of food sounded completely disgusting to me at that point. She settled on The Olive Garden because she was toting our 1 1/2 year-old niece with her and she thought it would be more baby-friendly than nicer, local places. Whatever. I wasn't looking to eat much anyway.

We sat down, the waiter asked for our drink order and then gave the obligatory "So, is this a celebration or are we just having lunch today?" Of course, MIL bursts out with, "A Celebration! Kelly, you should tell him why!"

Ummm... I looked at the waiter with embarrassment and dread and sheepishly said, "Yeah, I'm pregnant." He, of course, had to follow with the congratulations and pregnancy questions that any good waiter depending on tips would submit.

The entire time, I just felt like a complete and utter fake.

Of course, I didn't expect that the Olive Garden waiter would know about my pregnancy before my best friends or relatives did. It was just an out-of-body experience. Like, really? I'M A PREGNANT LADY ANSWERING NORMAL PREGNANT LADY QUESTIONS ABOUT PREGNANCY?!

That was weird. Completely weird.

We are planning on telling our friends and co-workers about this pregnancy after next week's first trimester screening. I'll be almost 13 weeks at that point. But this little toe dip into the pool of telling people? It was unsettling. It made me feel so self-conscious and uncomfortable--and it wasn't even anyone I'll ever see again.

Is this a normal feeling? I figured I'd be really excited to get to this point, but I'm not.

Instead, it's just freaking me out.

Lookin' Good

2011-03-01T11:05:00.004-06:00

Where to start?

We had an ultrasound this morning (at 10 weeks, 6 days) and Wink was being a hyperactive crazy person in there. I think I literally gasped when I saw it (I hate calling my kid "it" but he/she gets so annoying). The last time we had a viewing party, it looked kind of like a gummy bear, hanging upside down and chillin'. This time, though, it looked like a BABY! It had arms and legs that were kicking around and the weirdo was doing back flips. The Ultrasound Tech could barely get it to sit still long enough to take a damn picture. I'm not complaining. It was amazing. I never thought I'd get to this point, honestly--the point where they stick that dildo cam up my vag and I see a human.

We scheduled our last RE appointment, which will be a first trimester screening, for March 14. I was ordered to drink caffeine and eat sugar that morning. Um...yes, please! Now, I've got two weeks to fantasize about what particular caffeine/sugar-laden food and drink I want to indulge in.

After that, we're being released from the RE and I'll be going to a new OB. My last one lost my trust when my current RE took one look at some scans she had done of my ute and caught suspicious things that my OB never once mentioned. I just can't go back to her knowing that crap. So, I got some recommendations from the nurses/coordinators of OB in the hospital I work in. (It's a teaching hospital, so they know most of the practices in town.) I feel pretty confident, based on their glowing reviews, that I'll be in good hands.

I'm excited and this last scan really did give me some great peace of mind (for now).

As for the nausea, it's still holding strong. I was completely laid out and hurting by about 2:00 pm yesterday, and it doesn't seem like things are lightening up AT ALL. People keep promising me that it shouldn't last more than a couple weeks longer, but I don't trust 'em any farther than I can throw 'em.

Last Sunday evening, one of our best friends called me and C and said, "My girlfriend got a huge tax return and we're bored, so she rented a limo and we're picking you guys up in half an hour." Umm.... Yes, this sounds like completely awesome, spur-of-the-moment fun, but at that point? Well, my face had already said "hello" to the inside of the toilet twice and I knew there was no way I was getting in that limo. So I felt sorry for myself and pouted as C put on his fancy duds and took off for a fun-filled Sunday night.

Rest assured though, those images of an actual baby flipping and bending inside of me today? Well, I'd say that more than made up for the barfing and the missed opportunities of the last couple of months.

(Wink: This does not mean you can just look cute and get away with everything from now on. Please stop making me puke.)

10 Weeks

2011-02-23T13:26:00.003-06:00

Well, even though things are trucking along as they should in this pregnancy, I can't help but be a little worried and contemplative this week, as it's the week I miscarried our last little goblin. I actually hadn't been thinking of this anniversary (consciously, anyway) until I woke up with a start after a horrible, bloody miscarriage nightmare last night. I guess those gears in the back of my brain were still pulling up old memories, even if the rest of me had been riding on an optimistic wave as of late.

This worry is to be expected, obviously, but it really blindsided me. I didn't see that shit coming.

I guess the constant barfing every night has bestowed upon my mind the ONE gift that it has to offer--reassurance. Hormones must still be riding high if my dinner is constantly visiting my mouth twice in one night, right?

Anyway, our next ultrasound isn't until Tuesday, March 1st, so I've still got some time to wait, wonder, and worry.

I kept trying to remember how I felt at this time during my last pregnancy. Did I still feel nauseous before that fateful day? Well, after doing a little blog research, it seems I did. There was an entire post devoted to my grossness about a week before the miscarriage took place. So, yeah... no comfort there. Thanks a lot, ME!

I guess I shouldn't compare. I should separate the two pregnancies and treat them like the special little snowflakes they are. Maybe once we get past this week and I can see the Wink again, I can do just that. Of course, once you get over one hurdle, there's always another.

Optimism

2011-02-16T11:13:00.003-06:00

Hey guys! I started getting OPTIMISTIC today!

Part of me loves this new mental state and part of me just feels like it's setting me up for a fall. A terrible fall.

While I was all naked, on my tiptoes, putting my mascara on this morning (Yes, I put makeup on in the nude. I hope I'm not alone in this), C wandered into the bathroom, held my face in his hands and said, "I just want to eat you up!" He went on to put his hand on my poop/gas-filled abdomen and say, "When Wink comes out, I might accidentally smother it with too many kisses."

I felt simultaneously elated and scared as shit at those words. I obviously don't think my husband is going to accidentally kill the baby with his overzealous cuddles, but that's the first time I actually thought of Wink as a.... well, a baby. So far, it's been an idea. A notion. A dream. In that moment, though, it felt real.

That feeling has come and gone throughout the day, but it's there. A BABY! A baby might result from this.

In more optimistic news, I'm planning a three-day-weekend with our guy friends and one of their girlfriends to our favorite little small lake town in April. I found us a house to rent for a couple of days on the cheap. That's huge, guys. The thought that this nausea and constant worry may be alleviated enough by April for me to go on a trip? Crazy. But I'm counting on just that.

Let's hope the fates don't have other, shittier plans for us. Gotta bask.

8w5d

2011-02-14T10:18:00.003-06:00

We had a quick and dirty ultrasound this morning. Dr. Sharp didn't come in, just a tech and a resident. It took a total of about five minutes, which I always feel kind of weird about. I mean, you wait and worry for weeks and then you finally get to the appointment and they herd you in like cattle, prod you, and send you on your way, with no regard to HOW AMAZING it all is! I mean, sure, this is your average Monday morning. I get that. But these hormonal, anxious women waiting in line to see you? This is their everything right now.

Anyway, we saw the Wink! He/She was measuring right on target and its heart was chugging along at 167bpm. Also? The kid is already a nerd and is hanging upside down like Batman. It was so bizarre to actually see appendages this time. It wasn't just a blob!

As we were leaving the office, we ran into Dr. Sharp who asked how my nausea was going, to which I groaned and said, "Not well." She just gave me a hug and assured me nausea/vomiting is supposed to peak between 8-10 weeks. After that, things should be subsiding. Well...we'll see about that. I'm skeptical. The thought of going through a full day without puking and moaning in agony seems like a magical, sparkly, fairytale right now.

Oh, I did something bad. I postponed my dentist appointment I was supposed to have on Wednesday. I know, I know... dental hygiene is extremely important, blah blah blah. Still, I think the dentist will greatly appreciate not being barfed on during my next appointment, so I'm doing it in April instead. Naughty!

I Need Your Expertise

2011-02-09T12:16:00.005-06:00

So, I know I'm not alone in this.

I know plenty of other women have suffered through similar situations.

But, seriously. How much longer?

Yes, I'm still sick all the goddamn time and a day hasn't gone by where I haven't puked and wretched and felt like complete crap the entire time. That's not what I'm talking about here, though.

I'm talking about the constipation.

Because, ladies?... This shit is fierce.

It's been two weeks now. I've managed, with tons of fiber, the triple-checked safe stool softener, and as much liquid as I could manage to drink, to squeeze out two perfectly round marble-sized poops in the last 14 days.

This cannot be healthy. I've tried the gross juices, the Metamucil, the fiber cereals... I know it's not my prenatal because I've been taking the same one for like a year. I'm fairly certain it's the nausea medication I'm on. Stopping that, though? Well, let me laugh some more and then get back to you.

I don't know what to do.

My stomach is bloated and I'm barely fitting into my pants anymore. It's not because of Wink. It's because of my gigantic poop baby.

That's not a comfy scenario, my friends.

So, help me. Give me all the advice you have. I am begging for it!

Five more days until my next appointment/ultrasound. I couldn't be more ready.

Grateful

2011-02-03T11:52:00.005-06:00

I don't have a ton to talk about right now, as I'm still in the middle of my own personal nauseated nightmare. However, Dr. Sharp just called me out of the blue to ask how I'm feeling, which totally struck a oh-my-god-someone-cares chord in me and seriously made me cry right at my desk. HORMONES! I told her I felt the same and no drug or wristband or anything else seems to help. She just soothed me and told me to come in if I can't keep liquids down. I can. A little bit. So I'm good for now.

As far as I know, Wink is hanging in there. I have no evidence to the contrary.

I am completely and totally happy about this, yet still trying to be happy about life right now. They are two completely separate things in my mind. All of this bitching? Because, seriously, I know you're all like, "Okay, we get it. You're nauseous." Well, it in no way diminishes how much hope and joy I have for the Wink....It's just that it's all hidden beneath a thick layer of vomit.

On the phone, Dr. Sharp told me that C should be prepared to give me a "huge Mother's Day present" for all I'm going through. The first thought in my head, though? Shit, dude, HE deserves the biggest fucking present of all. I always knew he was one to step up to a challenge. I saw that first-hand when we went through the most painful day of my life in 2009 (ie-the miscarriage from hell). He was there with me every minute, thinking two steps ahead, filling warm tubs, wrapping me in towels, wiping away my blood and tears. He was a damn rock. So, yes, I knew this kid was strong. But I never knew how truly awesome he was until all of this. He's there to see to my every need, as soon as he gets home from work. He cooks and cleans and tries to make me laugh. He never rolls his eyes or sighs. He just does it.

He is the shit. Seriously.

So, right now, I'm feeling grateful for my family--C and the Wink. I hope we can all hang out together 33 weeks from now; happy, healthy, and more appreciative of everything we have.

The Second Ultrasound

2011-01-31T10:43:00.002-06:00

All went well! Wink (That's what C's calling him/her for now because, after we saw the heartbeat for the first time, he said, "It winked at me!") is measuring right on track. We were able to sorta kinda hear a heartbeat. It sounded like a tiny little train.

Our next appointment is on February 14th. As long as all goes well, that should be a great way to start off Valentine's Day.

That is all the good stuff.

And, boy, am I TRYING my hardest to think about the good stuff. Because, right now?... The nausea and barfing has overtaken my existence. I can't get my mind off of it. It's ever-present.

The Zofran didn't work. The doc prescribed something else, Phenergan, which she said would most likely knock me out cold. So, I'm not sure that's an actual worktime option. As we were leaving, though, she asked me if I'd like to try "the electric wristband." I'm like, "Seriously. I will try ANYTHING." So, she lent it to me for a few days. It's a little watch-looking gizmo that sends electrical impulses up my hand and, supposedly, helps with nausea. I've only been wearing it for a couple of hours, so I can't pass judgment yet. It definitely makes my hand feel weird, and I haven't thrown up yet. But, to be fair, that usually doesn't happen until later in the day.

Electrocute me, drug me up, chant over my stomach with chicken bones. I don't care. Just please, oh please, make this nausea go away.

Just Getting By

2011-01-28T12:50:00.005-06:00

I am still alive. As far as I know, my baby is too.

Though, seriously, guys? The nausea is killing me. I had to stay home from work yesterday because I puked about five times and could barely manage to keep water down. Life right now is like a foggy dream. I definitely don't feel all here, you know?

Today, I called the nurse to tell them about the extreme nausea AND the fact that I'm bleeding brown again. Seriously. Enough with this crap.

She prescribed some Zofran, which I promptly picked up this morning, took, and then realized that it does jack shit for my nausea. So, we'll see how this weekend goes. If I'm still toilet-bound all day, I'll see what more they can do for me during my next appointment on Monday.

Please let that heartbeat show up again... please let this all be worth it.

6 weeks

2011-01-26T12:21:00.004-06:00

You know what's totally stupid?

I'll tell you--the fact that they make Prometrium pink. This means that every morning, for the first few wipes of the day, I get a tinge of pink on the paper. Now, I realize that they're not manufacturing this shit specifically for pregnant ladies, or those TTC, but they should know by now that we're a huge market. So, if they'd like to go ahead and change those pills to blue or green or some other color that's obviously not from my dying baby, that'd be awesome.

Anyway, things are still okay, as far as I know. No more tests until Monday. In the meantime, I have SHITLOADS of nausea, exhaustion, and other strange symptoms like extremely dry eyes, to keep me weirdly comforted.

Every day is a daunting challenge right now, but it's nothing I can't live through for a baby. Please, oh please, let this be FOR something, you know?

C's been amazing so far. He's taking out gag-inducing bags of trash without me asking, he's waiting on me while I beach myself on the couch like a whale, and he runs errands without so much as a sigh.

Hopefully, in a few weeks, I'll be able to regain some semblance of a human existence again. Honestly, I don't know how millions of women throughout history have gone through this shit. I feel like Superwoman when I make it through a work day without taking a nap.

Anyhow, we're in no way out of the woods and this could still go any direction, of course, but I have a lot of hope right now. Most of that hope, honestly, is in direct response to YOU ladies and all of your encouraging words. I can't say enough how awesome you all are. Thanks for keeping me sane.

A Few Questions Answered

2011-01-24T11:08:00.003-06:00

A nurse just called me with my HCG number from this morning--30,403. I have no idea where that falls, according to Dr. Google, because I am BANNING him for now.

They cancelled my appointment for this Wednesday, which I found out was just going to be the same thing as today anyway--no one-on-one doctor time. I'm supposed to come back anytime between 7:00 - 9:30 next Monday. So, I assume that appointment will be identical to this one.

When do I get to talk to a damn doctor already?!

I need to keep taking the progesterone. I hadn't been on it before this weekend. When I called them about the bleeding, though, they told me to take it just in case. So, that's a new part of my routine, I guess.

In addition, I'm not supposed to exercise. Like, at all. Ugh... I already told you that my cardio was completely banned. I haven't felt my heart rate increase since the middle of December. Instead, I'd been doing light yoga and pilates. It was the only thing I could do that made me feel like...me. I guess that's banned too, though.

So, tonight I'll be going home, making tacos, sitting on the couch and gestating.

It could be a hell of a lot worse.

Back From the Doctor's

2011-01-24T09:47:00.003-06:00

Well, it's still there. I haven't miscarried. (maybe if I keep repeating this, it'll sink in)

I still feel completely worried and freaked and none of my questions have been answered. Since we didn't actually have an appointment with the doctor, we were just scurried into the ultrasound tech's office and given a quick probe. We're talking lightning speed here. I laid back, she put 'er in and then pointed at the screen saying, "Okay, here's the yolk sac, and this is where the fetal pole will be, and see this flicker? That's where the heart will be." Umm... no, I didn't see a fucking flicker. I didn't really make out anything except for a small blob of white.

But it's there.

I wasn't able to talk to anyone, so I have no idea why I would've been bleeding this weekend, whether to keep taking the progesterone they told me to take "just in case," whether I should be abstaining from activities... I know nothing.

Nothing except for IT'S THERE!

I guess that should be good enough for now?

Back Here Again?

2011-01-23T07:55:00.004-06:00

Well, I'm bleeding.

It started yesterday afternoon as a tinge of brown when I wiped. I began bawling when I saw that...because I'd seen it over a year before. I put on a pantyliner and laid on the couch to wait for C to come home. When he did, I told him and he just held me while I cried. A couple of hours later, I felt it--that unmistakable bleeding sensation. I went to the bathroom and there it was.

Bright red.

I'll call the doctor's office later today, but... my hope is pretty much lost.

Keepin' On

2011-01-17T12:07:00.003-06:00

Well, I'm doing my damnedest to keep my browser history free from random pregnancy websites full of terror and dread. Instead, I've been filling my free time at work by reading. Yes, I have free time at work. In fact, there's shitloads of it. You would think that this would be a great, stress-free way to spend my days but, in fact, it just leaves a lot of time for me to battle those Google demons. So, I've taken to downloading comedy memoirs and reading those each time I get the urge to browse. They're easy enough to stop and start up again as I get interrupted throughout the day, unlike fiction. Anyway, that's the strategy for now.

This weekend, C and I visited the new "Greenest Restaurant in the U.S." which is, oddly enough, located right in our little midwestern city. The portions were small, compared with what we usually receive around here, but probably normal for, you know....humans. It was fantastic, and we were even offered samples from their revolving menu for free, since we were sitting up at the bar with the owner. Afterwards, we went to see "Black Swan" at a new movie theater in town, which serves cocktails (damn) and then spent the rest of our evening at home, eating French Silk pie and vegging out on the couch.

The rest of my weekend consisted of me trying not to fall asleep before 8:00 p.m. and pretty much failing.

"Tired" is not the right word, people. It's like a constant Nyquil haze that I'm trying desperately to fight throughout every day.

I'm not complaining, either. Every dead-tired day, and every midnight trudge to the bathroom, with boobs that scream out in pain beneath my nightshirt, feels like a crazy gift right now. I'll take it.

Pee Sticks

2011-01-12T16:59:00.003-06:00

This post was specially created for Bunny.

I tried for like fifteen damn minutes to get my dumb, cheap camera to take a halfway decent picture of my positive pee sticks and this is seriously the best it could do. Blursville.

Still, you can kinda sorta make things out. These are from 12, 13, and 14 dpo. These are SUPPOSEDLY super duper sensitive 10 miu/ml tests. But... my right eyebrow is raised in suspicion of that shit.

Step Away From the Computer

2011-01-12T12:16:00.002-06:00

Dr. Google is telling me that rapidly rising betas like mine can be the result of molar pregnancies.

I hate Dr. Google. He's the devil.

The Second Beta

2011-01-12T11:25:00.003-06:00

Beta #1: 52

Beta #2: 236!

Holy, shit. My stomach feels like a wet dish rag that's been twisting and dripping acid all morning long. I feel partially relieved, but still really anxious.

My blood work and first ultrasound was SUPPOSED to be on January 25th, but I have a stupid-ass meeting that I can't miss, so I had to postpone it until the 26th. That's one day that will definitely feel like a lifetime.

Thank all of you ladies for your completely awesome comments the past couple of days. You are beyond supportive and wonderful. I couldn't go through all of this without you.

The Second Emotion

2011-01-11T12:17:00.004-06:00

The last time I got pregnant, I remember feeling completely confident that it would result in a baby. I remember telling C by tossing him one of those "Pregnancy for Dumb Boys" books and advising him he'd better start reading up. I remember thinking, "Oh, good. This baby's going to be born in the spring, before it gets super hot and I have to be huge and pregnant during the summer. Thank goodness."

I remember all of this like it was yesterday. Now, a year and a half later, I can't do anything but think about what a fucking idiot that girl was.

I have no idea why this pregnancy finally happened in our last waiting month before whipping out the IUI guns (again). I have no idea why, after months and months of costly drugs and procedures with nothing to show, this happened without so much as a bag of frickin' raspberry leaf tea to help it along. I don't know and I, honestly, feel incredibly guilty about it.

After the complete terror I feel that this will not last, my next greatest emotion is not happiness; it's guilt.

How can I be in the trenches with amazing women who've been through so much to get their babies, or those who are still fucking trying so hard and then be the bitch who gets pregnant while waiting for her next IUI. Seriously. I sound petty saying that shit and I sound petty not saying that shit.

But it's true. It's how I feel.

Anyhow, I debated whether I should even post anything before my next beta tomorrow, but I figure this is a part of the journey, no matter what. If it works out, this is how I'll feel. If it doesn't work out, it's not going to make it any less true.

Trying To Breathe

2011-01-10T12:11:00.004-06:00

Well, where do I start?

Remember how I told you I'd been temping and, despite the fact that my RE and I both agreed that ovulation is a problem for me, I actually SAW a definite temperature rise this cycle? Yeah, I was amazed. I don't know if it was the doctor-mandated month's worth of no aerobic exercise that jump-started things, but I definitely ovulated.

C and I also managed to get busy during the optimal time, despite the fact that all my OPK's were telling me to get lost and stop peeing on them already, because THAT SHIT'S NOT HAPPENING.

I think you can see where this is going -- boobs. Because my boobs are my end-all-be-all in this TTC gig. If they're not sore as shit, I'm not pregnant. That's just how my body rolls. Last night, though? Sore. As. Shit.

So, this morning I peed on one of those "ultra sensitive for crazy ladies" internet cheapy tests before I got in the shower. By the time I toweled off, I was able to see a line! I didn't even have to hold it up to the light and squint. There was a very faint, but very there line.

I called C into the bathroom for some verification and, being a dude, he responded, "Yeah, I see something, but it's really faint. So..."

SO WHAT?! A faint line is a line, dammit.

Instead of getting incredibly excited, I immediately felt scared shitless. Paranoid to the extreme. My heart raced and all I could think was, "But this can't be it. This is going away in a day. The other shoe is going to drop. Life can't be this gracious."

I got to work this morning and called Dr. Sharp's office (name courtesy of Lady Pumpkin) to ask them for a Beta. I asked if I could get the blood drawn at the hospital I work in and have the results sent over. They said that was perfectly okay. So, at 9:00 a.m. I had blood drawn by the roughest, most pain-inducing phelebotomist known to man and at 11:00 a.m., my RE called me back to say that it was definitely positive. My HCG level is at 52 and, from my chart, it looks like I'm at 12 dpo.

My next beta's on Wednesday. Until then, I'm trying like hell to remain calm. I'm telling myself over and over that this could just as easily disappear as it appeared in the first place. Nothing is real yet. I've been burned before.

But it's positive. For right now, at this moment, I am pregnant.

Living In the Now

2011-01-04T12:19:00.003-06:00

So, remember when I told you I started temping for the first time this cycle? Yeah, it's been pretty cool. It's not something I'd do every month but, considering I STILL didn't get any positive OPK, it was really cool to see a definite temperature rise.

I'm technically two-week-waiting right now, but you know... good fucking luck, lady.

Really, I'm waiting for my period to arrive, so that I can call my new RE and get some lady part testing underway. It's been a while since I've done the constant trips to the doctor's office thing. I'm guessing it's like riding a bike, though.

Also, to really bring it home to my brain that I am NOT producing any offspring anytime soon, I finally made an appointment with the oral surgeon to get those damn wisdom teeth checked out. I had been putting it off because, well, they need to put me completely under, and (WISHFUL THINKING), you can't do that while you're pregnant!

So, yeah. New year, new attitude. Stop putting shit off because some imaginary child may possibly be conceived in the magical fairyland of your brain.

It's taken me a good year to learn that lesson, but it's finally sunk in.

Tales of Christmas

2010-12-28T11:51:00.005-06:00

Well, I know I'm a bit slow on the draw here, but I hope you all had wonderful holidays!

Ours started on Thursday with a traditional "Snowed In Christmas" with our three close guy friends. It all started when they came over to our house to hang out the day before Christmas Eve a few years ago and a blizzard hit, trapping them at our place overnight. We had the best goddamn time drinking whiskey, playing cards, listening to records, and watching movies all night, that we decided to make it an annual event. This year's festivities started at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants that was going out of business that night. We gave her a proper send off and then the tipsy boys bought all the sombreros decorating the walls for a few dollars a pop. Christmas Fiesta!

Christmas Eve consisted of dinner with my family, which basically entails eating pizza (another tradition) while staring at the 2 and 4 year-old play all night. Really, how do kids manage to do this during every single family event? They turn otherwise funny, interesting people into piles of skin that just stare and provide running commentaries on what each of them are doing at the moment. "Oh, look, she's pulling that wagon around like a champ!" "You want to go put your jammies on and do a dance for everyone?!" "What a beautiful dancer you are!"

Seriously. That shit gets old.

I mean, not only can I not have a kid, but I have to watch while my brother's usurp all other family interactions?

Anyway, I love them, but you know what I'm talking about.

The next day we visited C's hometown to have Christmas with his family, which is exactly like Christmas with MY family, except you exchange the 2 & 4 year-old with a 1 & 3 year-old. Also, you add a dash more redneck, and a couple additional swigs of liquor.

I'm just glad it's all over with.

Today or tomorrow I may or may not be ovulating. If you want to base this on experience, I'd go with the latter. It's time, though! The signs all point to "yes" even if my OPK's all point to "Never gonna happen, lady."

So, I will be spending this evening attempting to seduce my husband and defying those damn tests. I'm feeling a little rebellious.

The RE Meeting

2010-12-17T09:40:00.005-06:00

Well, as far as personalities go, I LOVE our new RE. She is completely down-to-earth and easy to talk to. Obviously, I don't know how I feel about her yet clinically, but I have confidence in her, based on our discussion yesterday.

First of all, she told me that I'd pretty much exhausted the use of pills for ovulation. I told her that I've never had confidence in my ovulation period, since I never receive positive OPK's. I know that I'm producing good-sized follicles with pills, but she says that the actual health of my eggs can't be helped with pills. She pretty much told us that we'd need to move on to injectables with our next IUI. She was concerned that we only had one FSH test in the last year and there was no note made in my records about the actual cycle day on which that took place. So, with my next period, she wants me to get blood tests for that, along with some other basic stuff she doesn't have records on. Good, good.

During the meeting, she told me that she couldn't get the pictures from my HSG up on her computer, but she was having a nurse work on that while we were talking. I told her what my OBGYN told me--that the test was completely normal and everything looked good.

So, after the shock of the injectables wore off (I honestly wasn't ready for that yet--I figured we had a couple more Clomid/Femara cycles left in us), she laid down another little bomb. She asked me how often I work out. I told her that I like to walk for about half an hour, six days a week and I sometimes do yoga or pilates. She said, "Well, I want you to knock it off." Then she told me, "You have a great body shape for living a long time, but a really crappy one for getting pregnant." Basically, I was told to stop doing cardiovascular exercise and start eating more fat. Now, I know this sort of sounds like heaven but, honestly, my heart sank when she said that. I'm not underweight by any means. I fall right into the "healthy weight" section of all those stupid charts you see on the internet. I've always prided myself on living a fairly healthy lifestyle, and the thought of just going cold-turkey on that makes me panic.

Anyhow, after a long discussion, we were leaving the office and a nurse stopped her to say that she had the images from my HSG. The doc stopped to look at them for literally five seconds and then said, "Welp, it looks like we'll be doing a water ultrasound before we get started with anything. You have some flufiness and spots at the top of your uterus. We need to make sure those aren't fibroids that need to be removed." Umm.... seriously?! This RE basically glances at my images and sees something wrong, and my OBGYN stared at that shit for half an hour and saw nothing abnormal?! Makes me feel great about all the time/money I spent there.

So, that's the plan for now-

1) Gain some chub

2) Call at the beginning of my next period to get blood tests and schedule the sonohysterogram

3) Go ahead with injections + IUI during the following cycle if all is clear. If not.... surgery? hormones? Who knows.

I feel... optimistic, but utterly freaked.

Appointment Day

2010-12-16T09:51:00.004-06:00

In addition to taking my temps this month, I've gone back to using my devilish CBEFM. I used it for a good six months straight and then stopped because the pee sticks are stupidly expensive and I only received a "peak fertility" reading ONCE. Blah. I just decided to go for it again this month. Maybe our date today with the RE was my push. I wanted to make sure I was doing everything possible to chart and record my body's whims, so that I could look like the perfect student when I meet with her. (I was always a damn suck up)

So, today is our RE consultation and, although I've never had one before, I assume they just go over your history and ask you a bunch of questions and then lay out the different tests, etc. they could perform. I doubt it will take long, but I've taken the rest of the afternoon off work anyway. The roads are slick and horrible right now, and this clinic is a good 150 city blocks west from my office, so I'd rather just not worry about coming back.

Instead, I'll go home early, work out, make some dinner, and probably start panicking about our already dismal-looking finances and how we're going to make this all work.

A recent winter storm has done another number to our house--this time it's our fence and deck that's taken the hit. We can live without fixing them for a while, but it's just a couple more things to add to the list, you know? It's daunting.

Wish me luck at the RE! I hope she's the right person for the job.

CD 1 Again

2010-12-08T07:58:00.003-06:00

I was, in all honesty, surprised when I saw blood on the toilet paper this morning. Yesterday, on CD43, I got...ugh, hopeful again. It had been a week since I took a pregnancy test and I kept telling myself that the one I took wasn't at all sensitive, so there was still. a. chance.

Dumb.

But this morning, my period came to rain on that parade and, let me tell you, it came with a damn vengeance. I can't remember the last time I've had cramps this bad. I'm actually lightheaded from it.

Still, I have some things to be happy about:

1) I actually had some feminine protection at home this time and didn't have to run out to the market this morning. You'd be shocked at how many times I actually find myself in this position.

2) I should be getting a basal body thermometer in the mail today, so I can start temping. I've heard very mixed reviews on the actual helpfulness of this step, but considering my absolute inability to obtain positive OPK's, I figure another predictor of ovulation couldn't hurt.

3) Our consultation meeting with the RE is next Thursday, on the 16th. This means we could potentially start another IUI, if that's the route she's thinking, in January.

These are all tiny things that are helping me through today.

What didn't help? As soon as I stepped out from that ill-fated bathroom trip this morning, I saw a news story on the tv about some area mothers using their children to help shoplift purses at the mall. Seriously? These local storks really need to get their heads out of their asses.

Right Here Waiting

2010-12-01T10:01:00.003-06:00

Based on my very unscientific study of my cycle, I am now about 16 dpo on CD 37. Bloated, crampy as hell, and I've literally been running to the bathroom every day for a week now, only to discover wetness instead of blood.

Yes, I took a test already.

A) I am weak

B) I took it Saturday (~12 dpo) because I was going to a party that night.

I realize that there's a glimmer of hope here. I'm trying not to let it get to my head, though, because I really have no symptoms. I've been pregnant before and my boobs were my first flashing signal. My boobs right now? Utterly normal.

So, I expect that my period will come any damn minute now. I'll be both sad as hell and relieved, because it's exhausting thinking "maybe..." all the time.

Stupid, fucking long cycle.

The Final Stretch

2010-11-24T14:19:00.004-06:00

It's CD30 and I'm still two-week-waiting. I think, based on absolutely nothing resembling science, that I'm about 9-10 dpo.

I'm tired, my bowels hate me, and I feel the way I always feel a day or two before getting my period. So, I'm not expecting anything too exciting to happen this Thanksgiving weekend. Well, unless you're 11 and came across this post right after reading, "Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret." In that case, maybe what is going to happen this weekend IS exciting to you. Congrats.

Tomorrow, we have two big Thanksgiving meals to attend--one at C's dad's house with all of his extended family, and one at my brother's house with my parents and sister-in-law's brother in attendance.

On Sunday, we're having our traditional Friends' Thanksgiving at the bar. That's a big potluck affair. We throw some plywood down on the pool table to hold all the vittles, play cards, talk, and drink. It's always a pretty good time.

I was assigned to bring desserts to all three of these get-togethers, so I've been baking up a storm. So far, I've made raspberry peach pie, pumpkin pie cupcakes, and chocolate cheesecake. I love the fact that I'm not in charge of anything important this year-like the turkey. No pressure desserts are where it's at.

So, to my American bloggin' sisters--have a happy Thanksgiving. For the other lovely ladies--I will eat my weight in pie just for you.

Looking for Change

2010-11-18T11:26:00.004-06:00

My life feels stagnant.

I've come to the conclusion, after feeling this way for nearly a year now, that something needs to be done about it.

In all honesty, I used to think, "Hey, your boring life will pick up once you have a kid. People always talk about how they have no time for themselves after having children. You shouldn't take on too much right now because, the minute you do, you'll have a kid and be overwhelmed."

Well, we all know how that turned out.

I work for a state university hospital and, for the third year in a row, we've been told that there is a pay freeze for 2011. This basically means that, in order to ever be in a position to make more money here, you have to change jobs. Without an advanced degree, it's pretty much impossible to move anywhere except laterally.

So, my boredom, along with my need for a better income, has brought me to grad school. I haven't applied yet, but I sent off for my college transcripts last week, and I contacted the dean of the program I'm interested in to ask about an open house. I think I'm biting this bullet next spring. My tuition is reimbursed for 15 credits a year, so it would be stupid NOT to do this, right?

Now I've just got to get through six more months of mind-numbing boredom...

Back Here Again

2010-11-15T11:18:00.004-06:00

Well, I still haven't received a positive OPK, and today's looks to be even lighter than yesterday's. Still, yesterday's was the darkest of all the negatives, so I guess that's what I'm going with. Also, guess what?! I totally got laid yesterday during the sorta-kinda-not really-positive OPK! So, there's that.

Now, of course, I will have to fight that "what if" feeling for the next couple of weeks until my period comes to crush all of that stupid hope and send me back to the real world. Oh, to be back here again--back to the "it's actually maybe possible" two-week-wait, instead of the "it's entirely impossible that I'm pregnant right now" wait that I've been having for the past couple of months.

Yeah, I don't know which is better.

I guess this one?

Yeah, this one.

Benefits?

2010-11-09T08:39:00.003-06:00

Like most of you, our insurance doesn't cover any portion of our fertility treatments--thus the huge break we're taking right now, while we recover financially for the next try. In order to help out a bit, I considered starting a reimbursement account through my workplace to set aside some tax-free money that we could spend on all this crap.

Well, I contacted the Benefits Department last week to ask them whether or not fertility treatments were an allowable expense. It's hard enough having to talk to a total stranger in your workplace about your busted junk, but it's even worse when the conversation goes like this. Please keep in mind that I work for a huge university hospital:

Me: I don't currently have a reimbursement account, but was thinking about setting one up during our upcoming enrollment period. Before I do, I was hoping that you could tell me whether or not Reproductive Endocrinologist services are able to be reimbursed.

Benefits Lady: I need to speak to the state offices about this. What type of treatments are you talking about?

Me: Most likely, I will be doing a few more IUI treatments in the coming year and was hoping they could be reimbursed.

Benefits Lady: What does IUI stand for?

Me: Intrauterine Insemination

Benefits Lady: Umm.... is that like an artificial insemination?

Me: Yes

Benefits Lady: So, you would have a donor?

Me: (mumbling, while trying not to be heard by nosy co-workers) My husband's washed sperm would be inserted into my uterus through a catheter.

Benefits Lady: Oh... I don't know about this stuff. I have to ask the state. I don't think your husband's sperm is covered.

Me: You mean the collection and washing isn't covered? Is the actual IUI procedure covered?

Benefits Lady: (sounding even more uncomfortable than I was) I don't know. Um... let me call you back.

So, anyway, this is fun. I'm used to talking to the clueless nurses at my doctor's office about this stuff, but I'm totally weirded out about bringing it into my work life. This is the exact reason why I don't ever go to the doctor here--I don't want those worlds mixing.

Fun times in Infertility Land!

Back On Our Feet?

2010-11-08T10:45:00.003-06:00

I'm in a good place right now. For the past few weeks, my stress-level on the baby-making front has been really minimal. I mean, I still think about it every day, don't get me wrong, but things have lightened up. So, that's nice. It doesn't hurt that I got laid for the first time in like a month and a half this weekend. I was baking cupcakes in a dress. That shit does wonders, apparently.

Anyhow, I got through a visit by my in-laws, who toted along their adorable one-year-old, and a birthday party at my brother's for my 4-year-old niece with no emotional bumps or bruises.

So, yay!

I've started doing those ridiculous OPK's again this week, just because I still have a bunch of them in my bathroom. A positive reading on them still eludes me, but that's to be expected.

As long as I get some more recreational time in with C, I'll be a happy camper for now.

Facebook Funk

2010-11-03T14:33:00.001-05:00

The article she mentions is nice and all, but scroll down for the real good stuff:

What Facebook Looks Like When All Your Friends Have Babies

Tales from the Man Doctor

2010-11-02T13:08:00.006-05:00

Well, C went to the doctor yesterday to talk about his lack of boners lately, and was made to tell his story to two very green med students in addition to the attending physician. Fun times for him!

Basically, the doctor ended up telling him that it was completely normal for someone to lose their ability to have sex for the first six months or so on any blood pressure medication. Apparently, the sudden drop in pressure makes your body conserve blood, for fear of loss, and not send any to your naughty bits. Sooo....great.

They changed up his medication, just in case, but said that it's very normal for him to be going through this. What MY ears heard?--"Yeah, you're screwed. Your wife won't be. Sorry!"

It seemed to make the husband feel a bit better, though, so that's really what matters. All anyone wants to hear when they go to the doctor is, "You're normal. Don't worry," after all.

So, we'll see how this month goes. I'm going to put myself out there and keep trying to make things happen. It's really all I can do.

Our RE consult is in December, so we've got a couple more unassisted cycles to go. Hey weirder things have happened than an infertile couple who barely ever has sex getting knocked up without drugs or interventions, right?... right?

Curses!

2010-10-26T11:52:00.004-05:00

Hey, folks, it's CD1 today. Whoopee!

So, guess how it started this time? Well, I had to come into work early for a meeting at 7:30 a.m. That meeting, which I couldn't leave to save my life, kept going until 11:freaking:30 a.m. At around, oh...10:00, the crimson tide started flowing. Without any means of escape, I sat there, cross-legged, secretly despising each person who dared open his mouth. They just wouldn't shut.the fuck.up. "Oh, my thoughts and opinions about this matter are sooooo important. Let me expand on them for twenty more minutes, while you sit here in cramping, bleeding agony..."

When it finally ended, I waddled my way back upstairs to my office to take care of business, cursing each and every attendee of that stupid meeting along the way. I'm pretty sure they'll all grow big, hairy warts by the end of the day.

Period stories are fun, aren't they?

Well, we all knew this wasn't going to be "my" month. I mean, you need to have sex to make a baby, right? Okay, that's what the media tells us. Really, though, you need to have sex or IUI's, or IVF, or maybe squeeze a turkey baster up in there--something. None of that happened this month, so I was pretty aware of the fact that I would be bleeding soon.

It still hurt. It's illogical and stupid, but it still hurt-- One more wasted egg. One more wasted month.

Anyhow, C's appointment is on November 1st to go over his medication with his doc and see about getting some bone back in my life. I suppose that's good timing.

Now it is my duty, as the complete sucker of my department, to go hand out candy to shitloads of adorable children dressed up for Halloween as they trick-or-treat around the hospital. So, me and my leaky uterus will be doing that for the next hour if you're looking for either of us.

Let's Get Personal

2010-10-19T11:51:00.006-05:00

CD 21--no ovulation in sight.

Also nowhere in sight? My husband's dick.

Either his blood pressure medication or a year's worth of timed intercourse has effectively shut down that train. He has an appointment at the beginning of November with his doc to discuss this crap. That's great and all. Hopefully it will bring a resolution. In the meantime, though, I'm just falling apart. I feel unattractive. I feel helpless. I feel like putting on a reassuring, happy face about this one more time will make me crack. I mean, I can't exactly sigh and say, "Again?" every time things fail to take off. I have to do the understanding wife thing and say things like, "Don't worry. We'll just do it later this week. No big deal." All the while, I'm thinking, "Really? Well, there goes another cycle. There goes all of the tracking and longing and daydreaming I've done for the past month, and I can't bear to do it all over again."

This is hard. I don't speak with him anymore about TTC, because I don't want to pressure him. I don't remember the last time I've talked out loud about fertile times or ovulation tests. I feel entirely alone in that sense.

He's still an amazing man and husband and he definitely is not trying to do anything to upset me. He wants this for us too. He's let on a few times about how mad he is at himself and how he feels "broken." That's the last thing I want him to feel.

But what can I do? I'm still alone.

So, we'll see what happens in November and hope that I can get one good lay in before then, just so I don't go completely crazy.

Nothing else to do.

Caving

2010-10-12T11:47:00.006-05:00

I wish I had some super exciting news to tell you, but everything's completely normal and humdrum right now. Besides a great camping trip with my husband and friends this past weekend, all has been really beige--work, home, work, home, (cont.). I'm beginning to think that the only thing that'll snap me out of this ghostly existence is to finally get that damn pregnancy I've been craving for what seems like forever. That's not healthy. I know. I need an outlet.

Anyhow, it's another natural cycle for me and I'm not yet to ovulation time, so I'm just kind of hanging out, hoping there's some great follicle growing in there, but trying not to concentrate too hard on it all. I didn't even know if I would be using OPK's again this month, since they've sorta been the bane of my existence lately. I mean, I can't for the LIFE of me get a positive one, so I just sort of squint at them and over think all the slight negatives and hope that I've ovulated and banged around the same time. But I never do. Or I do and none of the swimmers meets anything he'd want to burrow into. Either way.

I did buy some internet cheapies, though. I broke down yesterday at the thought of having nothing to pee on all month, I suppose. The horror!

So, I will begin testing for that as soon as they come in the mail, and probably curse myself for the stupidity of thinking they will magically work for me this time. It's just that the thought of doing NOTHING?... Well, that's too much to bear.

Calling for Backup

2010-10-05T12:12:00.004-05:00

Well, based on your suggestions, I called around to different RE's in the area and finally made an appointment. Unfortunately, the earliest date I could get in for just a consult was in the middle of December. Oh well... it's something to look forward to, right? I haven't quite decided whether or not I'll go back to my OBGYN for November's cycle. Three months without assistance seems like a lot to my baby-crazy mind right now. We'll see.

For now there is a plan--an expensive and time-sapping plan, to be sure. But it's still a plan.

Bitterness on CD1

2010-09-30T09:44:00.003-05:00

Well, it's CD1 again. I didn't really have much hope that anything would happen during this unmedicated cycle, but you know... there always has to be that little voice in the back of your head telling you anything's possible.

Now I'm just kinda lost. It wouldn't be financially prudent to go back to the doctor this month. She'd only suggest another IUI, which we can't afford right now. I don't want to go into debt for stupid IUI's that probably won't work. I'd like to at least save up the money first and THEN have them not work...

So I guess this will be another unmedicated cycle, which is really bumming me out. Last month was kind of nice. It was a break from the appointments and drugs and I definitely needed it. Now, though, I'm ready to get back in the saddle. Unfortunately, the damn horse has wandered off.

To make matters worse, the fertility demons have recently drenched my circle of friends with all their baby-making sputum and somehow left me completely dry. I'm sure you all have those friends--the ones who have always tried to sell you on the lameness of children. They cite statistics about overpopulation and get on high horses about how they don't feel the need to fill the world with their genetic material and how we should be taking care of who's already here instead of adding to the problem. Yeah, you know those people. How, then, are THESE the people that the sputum hits? And how are they now magically pro-kids and posting ultrasound pictures on Facebook like all of the other damn fertiles in the world?

That shit's just not fair.

Back to Reality

2010-09-28T12:13:00.003-05:00

My three day weekend at the lake was pretty great, people. On Friday night, though, I somehow managed to do something horrible to my ankle without even realizing. I didn't start to feel pain until the middle of the concert we were attending that night. At first, it was just sore. Fast forward about twenty minutes, though, and I was in so much damn pain, I thought I might pass out. Small towns in the middle of nowhere aren't a great place for this to happen. So, I called the only cabbie in the area and he brought me back to the cottage. I writhed in pain all night and finally, after C made a 20 minute jaunt out to the gas station by the interstate to buy me ibuprofen, I fell asleep for a couple hours. Then, as if baby Jesus floated down and kissed my ankle himself, it was miraculously healed in the morning. I even got up and walked a few miles around the lake.

On Saturday night, the friends and I joined in on the town's "String Along," which was just an open invitation for everyone in town to bring their stringed instruments and play music together. We ended up rocking out with about ten retirement-aged folks for hours that night. They fed us beer and brownies and we couldn't have been happier.

Anyway, it was a beautiful, fun-filled weekend. I was really happy to have gone.

On the reproductive front, it's now CD31. That number means nothing to me. Without drugs this month, I have no idea if/when I ovulated or when I should be expecting my damn period. I guess when she shows up it will be a lovely surprise. I feel completely normal, though. Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.

I keep wondering if I should think about calling around to area RE's and inquiring about what I'd need to do/how long I'd need to wait to meet with them. I mean, granted, I've only had one IUI with my current doctor and that's no real reason to run just yet. However, she's an OBGYN, not an RE. I keep wondering if my money wouldn't be better spent with someone who actually specializes in this stuff. I don't know.... something to think about.

The Summer's Slipping Away

2010-09-21T11:52:00.004-05:00

Well, I would say we're still batting blindly, trying to conceive without the aid of medicine or OPK's, but I think that ship's pretty much sailed. I never did receive any real sign that I ovulated, but I'm thinking this cycle is pretty much in the "wait and see" period right now.

I have no hope that it will work. Well, "no hope" may not be entirely accurate, but let's just say that I have a "bare minimum" amount of hope. Or one less than whatever the bare minimum is. That's how much I have.

Anyhow, despite our current financial woes, C and I have decided to take a mini vacation this weekend. We're renting a little cottage on a lake with some good friends of ours. Since they're helping to pay for the place, we're getting off with spending less than a hundred bucks for the entire weekend. Score! It's situated in this little town that C and I fell in love with earlier this summer. We're going to attend a "big" community concert, go cruising on the lake, have a few cocktails, and relish the last bit of warmth this year has in store.

It's much-needed. I've been feeling totally harried lately at work and all of the other life stuff has been taking its toll, so spending a fun weekend with friends sounds perfect.

Can I also just reiterate my love for all of you infertile ladies out there? I honestly count reading your blogs as one of the high points in my day. I love opening my reader while eating lunch and getting to delve into little pockets of your lives. Some of you are still trying, right along with me, to conceive, and others have passed on to enjoy some extremely hard-fought pregnancies. Each one of you has been helping me through my own fight, just by being here and sharing your own. You're all fucking awesome.

Batting Blindly

2010-09-16T12:24:00.003-05:00

It's CD 19 and, from what I can tell, I still haven't ovulated. Of course, I don't even know if I'll do that on my own anymore. It's been over six months since I've gone without drugs and I never really did get positive OPK's on my own, before all the Clomid, Femara, and trigger shots.

I somehow managed to still get knocked up for a while there, so I guess my body's one of those rare breeds that has managed to figure out how to release an egg without any evidence of LH.

YAY!

Anyway, I guess I'll keep testing until my little sticks run out. I think I have three more. Then I'll just say, "Fuck it" and trudge blindly into the rest of my cycle.

Tomorrow, my workplace is hosting a big regional conference, so people have been running around here like beheaded chickens. It's going to be a long, rough day on Friday. I'm just hoping this weekend can be relaxing, fun, and maybe filled with some unsuspecting sperm meeting a lost, wandering egg.

The Place I'm In

2010-09-13T11:57:00.003-05:00

Well, so far, this unmedicated cycle is doing what it's supposed to do. I'm definitely feeling less hormonal than usual and not having doctor's appointments every couple of weeks has been pretty nice.

An unexpected tsunami of shit has been dumped on me and C this month, though. Unexpected money-related shit, that is. Things keep breaking (cars, toilets, showers) and medical expenses keep piling up for the both of us. Because of this, I just feel like I'm being buried alive right now. Also because of this? I'm quite positive this will not be the last unmedicated cycle we have for a while. We're going to have to take a step back from the doctors while we climb out of this hole we've been thrown into.

Part of me is really disappointed and part of me is relieved.

It's CD16 today and I've been doing OPK's for the past five days--nothing. Without drugs, though, my cycles usually range between 34-37 days, so I guess that's nothing to worry about yet. I'm just used to O-ing early lately, due to all the interventions.

We'll see if I even ovulate this month and treat it as an experiment for next month. Is it sad that I have basically no hope for this cycle to work? Yeah, maybe. That's kind of where I'm at right now. I just can't see it. I can't see being pregnant again. I definitely can't see having a viable pregnancy--one that grows and thrives and results in a healthy baby at the end. The vision is just lost on me right now.

It's gotta come back someday...

Au Naturel

2010-09-01T15:18:00.003-05:00

So, this is my unmedicated, unsupervised month off from the doctor's office. I know that it's much needed, and I mostly feel really good about it. Of course, every once in a while, that nasty thought creeps in my head--that "You're just wasting more time!" thought.

It's for the best, though. My bank account definitely needs a break and my body/mind are pretty happy about not being bombarded with synthetic hormones, ultrasounds, and various other unnatural things that have become far TOO natural to me lately.

I'll probably be getting back to all of those medical interventions by the time my next cycle rolls around.

For now, though, it's nice to think that I don't have any appointments to worry about, or any pills to swallow or stick up my cooch.

For these next few weeks, I get to pretend that I'm just a normal 31-year old woman with normal 31-year old problems. "RE's? IUI's? IVF? What do those stand for again? Yeah, I think a friend of mine went through that once. Poor bastard."

So It Goes

2010-08-30T12:06:00.005-05:00

Okay, let me tell you about buying pregnancy tests last week:

Naturally, the only line open at the drugstore was six men deep by the time I got up there. They were all young-ish professionals buying newspapers and energy drinks.

I, with my bright pink FRER box that screamed "HEY! Look at my personal life! It's on display right here!" and no protective mascara or Q-tips to hide it, sidled up to the end of the line and pretended to pay no notice to their shifty, sideways glances at my purchase.

When I finally got up to the front, I plopped that box down and did my best to act as if I was in a totally normal state of mind and that buying nothing but pregnancy tests doesn't make me feel like I'm a high school boy buying his first box of condoms.

The young cashier scanned my box, looked at me and said in a hushed tone, "Don't worry. I've been there before, sweetie. It will probably be negative anyway."

I had to stifle the biggest laugh.

And, yes, it was negative, obviously.

And, yes, I am on CD2 today.

My drugstore cashier knows what's up.

The Man

2010-08-26T11:56:00.002-05:00

C and I had our three-year wedding anniversary yesterday (also known as CD14--also known as the tail end of an almost definitely failed IUI cycle).

We had planned on having an evening in, since our bank account has been put through the ringer lately, with all of these stupid doctor's appointments. Yesterday afternoon, though, I received an email from C saying, "Screw this. We're going out to dinner tonight. Put on real people clothes when you get home." Um...okay!

So, he took me to the little bistro we ate in on the night he proposed. On that night, he barely got through half a bowl of soup. It's how I knew something was up. Yesterday, though, we both happily had our appetites and gorged ourselves with delicious, overpriced fare. It was great. Afterwards he insisted we stop by the old neighborhood bar where he actually did the proposing (in the parking lot--ROMANCE!). We stopped by, I let myself have a nightcap and I think I'm better for it.

Yep. For sure.

Anyhow, even though I couldn't give him the anniversary present I'd dreamed of, it still ended up being a romantic little evening with the man who still lights my flickering, infertile fire.

We All Go a Little Mad Sometimes

2010-08-23T08:07:00.004-05:00

Shit, you guys.

I feel like the dumbest person alive right now.

Last month, after my trigger shot, I used those cheap internet pregnancy tests to test out the HCG. I wanted to see what day of my cycle I'd have the "all clear" to test for real since I'm a huge POAS addict. I didn't want to go through the emotional turmoil of "is this is real positive or not."

During that cycle, I saw my last positive at 9dpt. Because of that, I figured that waiting until 12dpt this cycle would be completely adequate and I could start my obsession at that time.

Well, I took a test on Sunday morning and saw something. It was a whisper of a shadow of a line, but it was there. I could feel the cautious hope and optimism creep in. It wasn't a "holy SHIT!" moment. It was a "Oh man, maaaaaybe this could finally be it" moment.

I dwelled on that feeling all day long. It was horribly nice to feel that sort of calmness again.

This morning I took another test.

Nothing.

I squinted and held it up to the light and did all the things desperately TTC ladies do when they test over and over again. But there was nothing there.

I know that there's still a chance. I know that this isn't over till the fat red monster sings, but... my hope is utterly shattered.

Lesson learned? Let's sure as hell hope so.

8 dpiui

2010-08-19T09:03:00.003-05:00

Well, I feel utterly normal.

No news there.

I DO have something to look forward to if I don't manage to get knocked up this cycle--Oktoberfest! It takes place in the middle of September. I don't know if any of you have been following this blog long enough to know that Oktoberfest (even if it's the local, mini-version) is basically Christmas for my group of friends. We attend the festivities at a small German restaurant/bakery, which brings in a very long-lived clientèle. In our 30's, we're considered the young whippersnappers of the party. Old men in lederhosen clink steins with us throughout the night, the same old lady who's been doing it for decades sells us shots of Jaeger once our good reasoning has went out the door, and the proprieter, Gerda, dances with us to a polka band covering Ring of Fire.

Yes, it's the same every year, and we wouldn't change one bit of it.

So, if I get some bad news in the next few days, I will have that to fall back on.

If it's good news instead? Well, I guess I'll be celebrating my first sneakily sober Oktoberfest and eating craploads of soft pretzels and black forest cake to make up for the lack of beer.

Either way, it's gonna be good.

IUI Phase Two

2010-08-12T10:53:00.004-05:00

Well, yesterday was the big day. I left work around noon to drive to the building that was babysitting my husband's spunk. They made me pay hundreds of dollars for something I can get for free by the vat. It was pretty damn weird. On the plus side, I found out his counts were great (100 million) and his motility was good. That's about all they shared with me. I would've liked to know more of the stats, but I was in too much of a hurry to wait around and ask for the paperwork.

So, I drove the little guys in a cardboard tube through the busy traffic and arrived at my doctor's office, at which point I assumed I'd be whisked into an office and thoroughly probed. But, no. I waited in that cold frickin' waiting room for a good twenty minutes before they called me back. I kept thinking, "My poor little sperm! I paid good money for these and they need to be kept warm!" I did my best by squeezing the little tube between my thigh and the edge of the chair, so that it'd get my body heat. I was stupidly preoccupied with the temperature of that jizz.

The nurse finally called me back and we had a laugh about my little tube. The doc came in, opened me up, inserted the catheter, (a million times less painful than the HSG) and squirted his load into my uterus. It took all of three minutes. Afterwards, she had me lay back on the table for ten minutes and then I was told I could leave and "resume my normal activities." I guess that means it's okay to get laid.

Like for real--not by a long, plastic tube.

Afterwards, I had to go to the dentist. I know! I had made the appointment six months earlier, though, when I figured I'd be comfortably pregnant by now and it would be no big deal (ahh, how stupid). I would have postponed it, but my boss has been getting pretty twitchy about all of this time off, so I thought it was best to keep the appointments back-to-back.

The dentist was worse than the IUI.

I have to get all my wisdom teeth taken out and one of them sits right beside a nerve, so I need to go to an oral surgeon and be sedated for that shit--so they don't accidentally hit the nerve and paralyze half my face. Yeah, sedate me all the way up, doc. Seriously.

I'm pretty sure I won't be scheduling that anytime soon, though, because....yeah, you know.

Okay, then! Two week waiting. Again.

IUI Phase One

2010-08-10T09:44:00.003-05:00

It's in full effect.

I went in for my follicle scan yesterday and found out I have several follies, but the biggest one was only 16mm. So, she had me wait until today to come in for my trigger shot. I did that this morning. Hopefully that little guy grew at least a mm overnight. I'm counting on him. (My eggs are male for some reason)

Tomorrow at 11:15, C has an appointment at a completely different location to jerk off into a cup. I guess I'm supposed to show up there about an hour later to wait for the sperm and then drive it over to my doctor's office. I also got the fun surprise that this sperm collection/washing aspect isn't included in the original price estimate I was given before deciding to go onto IUI. Sooo... I was more than a little pissed to hear that.

Once it's all said and done, it looks like this IUI will be taking place about 28 hrs after trigger, which seems awfully early to me--especially considering the size of those follicles. I kind of tried to ask the doc about this, but she made me feel stupid for even asking, being all, "Well, you know the sperm can live for a while inside of you."

Ooooohhhh, really?!

Thanks, doc.

If this doesn't work, my pocketbook and my hormones are taking a month-long break, which will probably be sad and empowering all at once.

The Oracle

2010-08-09T11:37:00.005-05:00

We went to C's hometown this weekend to visit his family. We have a one-year-old niece from C's sister and, listen, this kid has never once looked my direction or wanted to have anything to do with me. Saturday though? On Saturday you would've thought that I was a damn glittery pink unicorn who pooped marshmallows, because that kid could not get enough of Aunt Kelly. C's family was completely in shock because, apparently, our niece doesn't take to anyone like that. She even ran to me calling me "Mama" as her mother sat about six feet away. Yeah, okay. Weird kid stuff, right? Nothing more.

When we saw C's mom the next day, though, for an impromptu breakfast, she kept trying to not-so-subtly ask me if I was pregnant. She said they were all chatting after we left and agreed that I "had to be" since "babies know."

Yeah, well...it's pretty scientifically impossible for me to be knocked up right now, but thanks for the prophecy, kid.

If I do happen to magically get pregnant after this IUI, I'm gonna chalk it up to my niece, the Womb Whisperer.

You Down With OPP? (Other People's Pregnancies)

2010-08-06T14:22:00.004-05:00

Yeah, you know me...

I really thought I was. Well, I AM. To a certain extent.

All of the ladies I've been following in Blogland, for example, whose pregnancies finally happened for them, I'm completely happy about. Recently, though...as in TODAY, I've been bombarded with OPP's anywhere and everywhere I look.

Upon waking this morning, I opened Facebook (yeah, I know) to find that the cousin whose wedding I just attended in Minneapolis in June is pregnant. She's about six weeks along, if my math is correct and already telling everyone and their mother. Can you imagine? Me neither. She's written no fewer than seven posts today dealing with potential names, potential OB's, and the like. Really. She may need to be hidden for a while.

Then, I scrolled down a bit and noticed another of my cousins just announced her pregnancy. This one, I know, was hard-fought and a result of seven IUI's. Nothing but love and fist bumps there. Seriously. I barely know this cousin, but hearing that made me feel instantly closer to her.

A couple hours later, I was sitting at work and received a text from my sister-in-law: "Do you want to go in on a baby shower present for Sara since we won't be there?"

"Sara? Who the hell is Sara?" is all I could muster. After finding out that she's the wife of yet another cousin who is, apparently, knocked up, I said I'd go in for a gift. Considering I didn't even know who this lady was without elaboration, though? Well, I might have been a bit bitter about dishing out the dough.

Next up, another hour goes by and I receive a mass email from a friend (one of those peripheral friends who you see at parties or bars, but never hang out with away from the entire group) who announced her OOPSIE pregnancy. Her little boy just turned one about a week ago and this kid wasn't planned. She even admitted to crying when they found out she was pregnant about EIGHT weeks ago... again with the early telling. What the crap, people?

And then, the one that tipped me over the edge and inspired this post--yet another friend responded in that same email thread that his wife is pregnant with their first. I know they've been wanting this (though not necessarily trying) for a while now, so I'm happy for them.

It's just been a weird day full of baby announcements and the ups and downs that they bring for someone TTC. Honestly, I was a bit surprised and upset with myself at how much my emotions differed based on the circumstances of the couples. I feel like I've become much more judgmental in this past year, with regards to procreation....and I don't like it. Should couples really have to strive and suffer for months/years before getting pregnant in order for me to be happy for them? Of course not. But today that's kind of how things are sorting themselves out. I'm hoping this is a trait that will go away quickly and I'll be able to just be happy for friends and family who are expecting, whether they tried for two years or one month.

Yeah, we'll see.

CD6 Mindset

2010-08-03T12:40:00.004-05:00

I've been doing my best to stop obsessing over TTC and just living my life lately. My best, I've learned, isn't really that great. Still, I think I've been doing better.

This Thursday, one of my friends and I have volunteered to work at a charity golf tournament all day. Really, it was just a great excuse to take a day off work and sit outside in lawn chairs, bullshitting, and eating free food. Our job is to watch one of the tees to make sure that no one's taking more than one shot or cheating in any way. That's it. Just watch people tee off. That's my kind of job...

Anyway, I think I'm more nervous for the hubby this cycle than I am for me. The drugs, ultrasounds, and shots are all kind of old-hat to me by now. The IUI is new, of course, but I'm counting on the fact that it can't be any worse than that HSG I had before, so I'm not sweating it. Mostly, I'm worried about C's ability to jerk off into a cup on demand, and him getting the time off work without any problems. Those are the factors I can't control, so they're the ones that bug me.

Cycle Day 1

2010-07-29T12:28:00.003-05:00

The big red wave finally showed up this morning. I stopped taking my Prometrium two days ago, even though the doc said I should "take them until I have a period and then stop." I'd tested negative on too many pregnancy tests and knew I was just delaying the inevitable by staying on those pills. The last thing I really want to do at this point is delay things...

So, I went off the drugs and here it is.

Femara cd 3-7

Ultrasound/Trigger cd 12

IUI cd 13(?)

Then another couple weeks of torture.

Part of me feels so resolved about moving onto IUI and another part of me just keeps nagging, "you did it naturally before" over and over again. After the miscarriage, months of trying again naturally, and five months of trying with Clomid/Femara/Triggers, I just don't feel like I'm ready for another drug-filled, fruitless cycle. At least we'll be trying something new and I may have a little more hope this time. Maybe that's all I'm paying for this month--a little hope.

If this doesn't work (and, honestly, I have no grand delusions), I'm thinking about taking a break for a month before trying another round.

I think that anyone who's been reading this blog (or sharing my home and bed--poor C) knows how utterly mind-fucked and exhausted I am right now. So, this cycle will be my sprint. Next cycle I'm taking a breather.

Maybe. Probably.

Still...

2010-07-28T13:31:00.003-05:00

Waiting for my period.

Still not pregnant.

Still thoroughly annoyed by my body.

We've made the decision, after much prodding by my doc, that it's finally time to hop on the IUI train. It's been a year now, since we've started trying. Our unassisted pregnancy (even if I ultimately miscarried) gave me too much damn hope that we could do it again without help. And maybe we can. But I'm not willing to wait for another god-knows-how-many months to find out.

Now... if I could just get rid of this cycle's failed attempt, we could actually get on with things.

Prometrium can suck it.

2010-07-26T12:39:00.002-05:00

Hey!

I've been gone all week for simulation training in Miami, and I didn't realize how much I'd miss intruding on your lives. When I sat down this afternoon for my routine reading session during lunch, I realized how much I depend on all of your stories and camaraderie to get me through this IF crap.

Anyhow, Miami was bracing itself for Tropical Depression Bonnie while I was there so, save for one night on South Beach (oy), there wasn't a lot of seaside adventuring going on. Mostly, I spent my days in class and my evenings alone in my hotel room. Exciting!

I returned home, all ready to test for pregnancy and completely optimistic. Well, okay, not completely. I hadn't really felt any symptoms all week and I didn't exactly think the clouds would part and the sun would shine and two lines would magically show up on that test. Not really. But maybe a little.

Of course, there was a definite lack of a second line. My pre-menstrual symptoms persisted all weekend, but nothing red and dooming showed up.

The progesterone, though... the progesterone is likely jacking with my cycle, right? Because I dutifully took another test this morning (13 dpo) and got another stupid negative. So, now I'm just waiting for those little pink pills to stop delaying my period so I can get this mess over with.

Can I please just tell you how incredibly tired I am of drugs messing with my shit? I lack the willpower to give it all up. I've managed to convince myself that pills and procedures are the only way I'm getting a baby, and I want this too damn much.

But a break.... a break sounds so lovely right now.

A Family Affair

2010-07-19T12:05:00.005-05:00

Over the weekend, C and I traveled to his hometown to attend our niece's first birthday party. His sister threw a huge affair with about 40 people in attendance. It was pretty crazy.

We managed to separate ourselves from the throngs of screaming kids for a while and have a nice conversation with C's grandma. She's in her 90's and still totally on-the-ball and beyond cool. That part of the day was completely lovely.

Towards the end of the evening, though, after the obligatory "let's watch the birthday girl rub this entire mini cake over her face and look adorable" occurrence, C's sister came over to us to say hi. She pointed at the messy baby, pointed back at us and asked, "So when are you two finally going to make one of these and save me from being the only one?"

Ummm.... this chick KNOWS I had a miscarriage in November. She may not have any idea how hard we're currently trying (for good reason), but seriously, have some motherfucking compassion.

I was stunned silent, while C managed to churn out a, "looks like you're doing a fine job of making the grandkids all on your own."

She just laughed and said he was probably right.

Gag.

The One Where I Write Too Much About Myself

2010-07-16T12:16:00.004-05:00

One of my very favorite bloggers, Secret Sloper at Park Slope Purgatory bestowed the Versatile Blogger Award on me. Really, she must not have been able to think of more people to gift this to because, honestly, all of your blogs put my little dog and pony show to shame. It's hard being surrounded by beautiful writers who can make me laugh and cry and feel like I'm there in their heads with them. That's some awesome shit you guys are churnin' out...

Anyhow, I'm taking this and running with it. Here are the rules:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award.

2. Tell 7 things about yourself that readers may not know.
3. Pay it forward by nominating 8 bloggers you’ve recently discovered.

Thanks, Sloper! You're awesome.

Okay, things about myself...

1) I used to (and may again) write freelance science-based articles dealing primarily with sex. Basically, if they needed someone to take apart a scientific study dealing with the effects of watermelon consumption on boners, they'd give me a call. I know way too much about human anatomy and the way we put our things into other people's things.

2) I was a radio D.J. all throughout college. I also grew up at a radio station, as my mom was an accountant for one. They used to get me to do all the commercials where they needed a little girl's voice. My favorite was for a now defunct eatery called "Wild Willy's." They were advertising a "lock-in" for children where parents could drop off their kids with 15 bucks and a sleeping bag and the kid would be fed hot dogs and get to play video games all night. Back then, I just thought it sounded like an awesome night of fun with my friends. Now that I look back on it though, those parents were getting a totally awesome deal! A fifteen dollar all-night babysitter?! Talk about getting your parental bone on...

3) Even though I'd describe myself as a pretty liberal, open-minded person, I have only slept with three guys in my life. They were all my boyfriends (or current husband) of three years or more. Actually, after my breakup with long-term boyfriend #2, I decided I REALLY needed a good no-strings-attached fuck buddy to just let loose with. My close girlfriend told me she had "just the right guy." He lived about an hour away and he came highly recommended by her (yeah, they went there). I talked with him online almost every night for about a month before we met. All of our mutual friends (of which there were many) told me he was "really cool, but also kind of a dick." So, there it was. I met him in person for the first time at a big Memorial Day party. The first thing he did? Put his arm around my shoulders and handed me a beer. Also? He didn't say a god-damned word. We spent the entire night at that party in that awkward embrace, probably saying about three sentences to each other. Nothing happened that night. We said goodbye and I went home. We kept talking online and I kept liking the weirdo more and more and, you know what?.... He was never ONCE a dick. In fact, he was the nicest, funniest, most sincere guy I'd ever met. Eventually, we turned our online chats into in-person chats. We made the trip back and forth between our cities at least once a week. After about four months, we were in love. He moved to my city (all his friends lived here too) and we started dating pretty hardcore. No one could believe that I'd turned this funny prick into such a damn softie. Hey... I've got the touch, I guess. I can't have a one-night stand to save my life, but I can turn an asshole into marriage material without even trying.

And marry him I did...in Las Vegas with all of our friends in tow. He's still the sweetest, most awesome guy I know.

4) I'm obsessed with the Mars Rovers, Hubble Telescope, NASA, Star Trek, and basically anything horribly nerdy having to do with outer space.

5) I bake almost every single Sunday. It's like meditation for me. I put on an old record, don my apron, and bake on Sunday mornings while drinking coffee and dancing around the kitchen. My guy friends usually spend a good twenty minutes on Saturday nights trying to think of something for me to bake the next morning.

6) I was a Girl Scout growing up and actually earned the Gold Award (their highest award, akin to the Eagle Scout...but harder to get). I remember earning a badge one weekend by getting dropped off in the middle of the woods without any food or shelter. I had spent a week learning how to create shelter from found objects and which berries were okay to eat. Obviously, it all worked out fine and I lived, but I swear.... wouldn't that be called "child endangerment" nowadays?

7) I'm not a hunter, but my dad had me in archery and rifle shooting classes by the time I was seven. I could probably shoot an egg from a hundred yards away.

And now, to nominate eight other bloggers! I'm really still looking for people to add to my reader, so most of these are definitely not "recently discovered." Also, some of these people have probably already received this little award, but I don't really care. I'm nominating them anyway!

1) Jenn at Got Love, Been Married, Now Where the Hell's the Baby Carriage?

2) Finch at Grizzly Eggs

3) AmyG at When you Gotta Glow

4) Trinity at Three is a Magic Number

5) Rebecca at Trying Not to Scream

6) Womb 4 Improvement

7) Murgdan at Conceive This!

8) The Crazy Baby Mama

A Little TWW Help

2010-07-15T11:47:00.003-05:00

I don't think I've mentioned it on here, but a good 50% of my job is to run robotic simulations for medical students and residents. I'm basically supposed to be the simulation guru for my entire department. However.... honestly, I know very little about it. I can program and run basic scenarios, but I'm a pretty poor excuse for a guru.

Enter specialized robotic simulation training class!

I'm leaving for Miami this coming Tuesday and I'll be there all week. By myself.

Besides having a better grasp on my job and being able to, you know... do it better, my only real excitement about this trip has to do with the fact that it falls within my two week wait. In fact, by the time I return home, it'll only be a day until I can test (or start my period and spend the weekend feeling sorry for myself and eating too much).

So, here's to Miami! Hopefully it'll be enough of a break from the routine to keep my mind from the inevitable if/when/ohmygodplease-ness of it all.

HSG

2010-07-12T10:50:00.003-05:00

Soooo.... the HSG on Friday?

It sucked.

My appointment was for 10:00 a.m., so I took a leisurely shower, being sure to shave my legs and look nice down there for the doc. By about 9:10, I was dressed and ready to drive to the clinic with plenty of time. Well, I checked my cell phone and found out the office had tried to call me. Apparently, my doctor needed to go do a c-section and they wanted me to get there early. Remember how my clinic moved way the hell across town? Yeah, so I got in the car and raced to that office as fast as I possibly could. I flew into the waiting room and they took me right back to a huge room with the x-ray machine. A nurse was waiting there for me and informed me that, "Oh, your doctor left for that c-section already. I suppose we'll be waiting a while."

Awesome.

Instead of leaving me there with my butt hanging out, in that big, cold room, the nurse stayed with me (with my butt hanging out in that big, cold room). She talked and talked and talked and, you know what I learned??

I JUST NEED TO RELAX TO GET PREGNANT!

Ha! I honestly couldn't believe I was hearing those words from the nurse at my fertility doctor's office. I seriously had to stifle a laugh.

Now, on to the procedure! The doctor finally arrived after about an hour and I laid back on the table to get all that dye shot up my business. Unfortunately, getting to my business was a lot easier said than done. See, my cervix tips towards the back and it took her three speculum insertions to get it in there correctly. She inserted the catheter, shot the dye, and we waited. We all kept watching the screen, waiting for my uterus and tubes to show up...but nothing.

And then... then I felt pain. Hot, horrible, searing pain. It almost lifted me right off the damn table.

She told me that my cervix had probably been blocked or scarred over and the dye had to push through there to enter my uterus. Holy shit, you guys. That HURT.

Afterwards, though, the pain subsided and the dye flowed through my parts quite nicely, so there was some good news at the end of all that.

Maybe whatever was blocking my cervix got pushed through with that dye and now C's sperm can finally pass through. Or maybe it's scarring right back over as I type and there's no way a swimmer's getting past my iron-clad cervix. Only time will tell.

In fact, I received my trigger shot this morning, after a tip-top ultrasound which showed two great follicles and a thick lining. Soo... I guess those swimmers will be getting a workout later tonight.

One new thing to add to the mix--my doctor prescribed Prometrium, which I'm supposed to start taking Friday and continue taking every day until my period, or until the 13th week of pregnancy--whichever comes first. Now, have any of you taken this? I'm a little weirded out because, as far as I can tell, I show no signs of a luteal phase defect and I am wondering why I need to take this stuff. I asked her and she said, "it couldn't hurt."

Well, I'd really LIKE to think that her decisions are based on more than that, but I guess they're not. So, do you guys know more about this. Is a flaky prescription for this stuff par for the course?

Okay, back to work. Back to sex tonight. Back in the ballgame.

Working For the Weekend

2010-07-08T12:03:00.004-05:00

I've decided to take tomorrow completely off work for my HSG. I know the doc says I'll be just fine to return to work afterwards but, seriously, fuck that. If I'm getting a bunch of dye shot up my cooch and will most likely be leaking fluid all afternoon, I think the least I can do for my poor flower is to give her the afternoon off. I also made myself a hair appointment about four hours after the procedure, just so I have something "fun" to look forward to. Then I'm taking it easy for the rest of the day.

That means today is my Friday. Oh, and my department at work used some fancy-ass hotel for our graduation ceremony this year. That means I received an invitation to their "Business Partners' Summer Celebration" which is basically just free food/drinks and door prizes. So, I'm totally taking advantage of THAT tonight and having a little night on the town with the hubs.

I'm still not sure what we'll be doing for my birthday on Saturday, but I'm going to make sure that it involves some sort of delicious dessert. Really, that's all I want for my birthday. Dessert.

Oh, and a baby. That too.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2010-07-06T12:18:00.004-05:00

So, this coming Saturday is my 31st birthday. Guess what I'm doing this coming Friday?

Having a Hysterosalpingogram! Weeee!!!

The doc wants to check out my fallopian tubes to make sure nothing's blocked up and these seemingly awesome eggs have a chance of making it down to my baby oven. So, that'll be a fun birthday present to myself.

Anyhow, this past holiday weekend was pretty damn nice--floating in the lake, gambling, billiards, bars, fireworks, and lots of friends and family. Of course, now I'm frickin' exhausted and have to get through an extra full work week. Isn't that always the way...

Thanks to those people who commented and gave me some words of encouragement last week. Honestly, you ladies are the only people in my life who I can talk to about this stuff and who truly understand. I have a close friend who's been through everything up to and including IVF, but she's still in a lot of pain and unable to discuss most of these things. I just don't have any real life support, apart from my undeniably fantastic husband. So... I just wanted to give you guys a shout-out.

The Wait is Over

2010-07-01T11:31:00.002-05:00

Got my stupid period today.

That little shred of hope I still had was maybe a tad bigger than I had thought, because I took that bathroom break a little harder than I probably should have.

I was really hoping the trigger shot was going to be our ace in the hole this month.

I kept telling myself I could find solace in the fact that I can drink, be rowdy, and have fun with all my friends this holiday weekend, but... yeah. I'm not really feelin' it. I'm not even looking forward to the weekend anymore.

It'll pass. I'll buck up. I always do.

The Wait Continues

2010-06-29T08:40:00.005-05:00

All that optimism from a week ago? Yeah, it's gone. I suppose that's for the best, right?

I have no reason to believe that this cycle didn't work. My lack of symptoms (save for an upset stomach every morning for the past three days, which I'm convinced was due to my horrible dinner choices/timing) has kind of given a swift kick to all of that stupid hope, though.

I suppose we'll see in a couple of days...

This past weekend, I met my husband's grandfather for the first time. He lives in Australia and came to the states to visit his kids and grandkids who live here. Let me tell you, if you'd age C about 45 years and give him an Aussie accent, those two men would be exactly the same. The similarities in personalities is striking. It was pretty cool to see, since C's so completely different from the rest of his family. I'd always wondered where that came from.

Anyways, C's mom came up with her father for the visit. I've spoken of her before--she of the inappropriate conversations and incessant judgement. Luckily, we only had to deal with her for a night. She still managed to get quite a few, "where are the rest of my grandbabies?" jabs in during the course of one dinner. She asked me point-blank if I was going to even try again to have some kids and, considering my age, I'd better get started. Well... awesome. I mean, it's bad enough that she knows about the miscarriage. I'm sure as hell not going to tell her about all the trying. She'll inevitably blame me and my saggy, decrepit uterus.

So, yeah. It was a nice visit with C's grandfather, despite the unwelcome motherly inquiries.

Now to get through three more days of work, a pregnancy test or two, a possible start to my period, and then a nice, long Independence Day weekend.

The Little Voice

2010-06-23T12:03:00.005-05:00

Let me just get this out there...

I feel WAY too much hope for this cycle. I don't want to, but I do.

I wish it would go away. I wish that stupid voice in the back of my head saying, "This could be it. This is probably your month!" would shut the hell up.

It's unwelcome. It's not helpful. It only leads to heartache.

And yet... it persists.

And I feed it.

I calculate the first day I could take a fairly reliable HPT.

I form little plans on how to trick my friends into not noticing my sobriety on the 4th of July.

I realize a baby conceived this month would be born around my mother's birthday.

I even entertain little worries that I could have horrible morning sickness during my business trip next month.

Distractions--parties, outings, work--they only help for hours at a time. Nope, I'm afraid I'm stuck with it. Stuck with the maddening hope. Nine more days...

Full Of Hormones

2010-06-21T12:19:00.004-05:00

So... the appointment.

Remember how I told you that my midwives/nurses/doctors all moved to a new location? Well, I figured I'd add 20 minutes to my normal driving time and probably get there just fine. Turns out, I should have added about 40 minutes. It took nearly an hour to get from one side of town to the other, where they moved. Awesome.

Once I arrived, I waited in the lobby for about 30 minutes and then got called back to a room. There, I donned a magnificent butt-bearing gown and sat on the hard examining table for another 30 minutes, my buns getting redder and sorer by the minute.

Finally, the doctor came in and took about two minutes to probe me, find out I have two "big and beautiful" follicles on the left side and a few stupid, wimpy kids on the right. She told me that, since they just moved to the new location, they HAD NOT YET UNPACKED THE TRIGGER SHOTS and she'd be writing me a prescription to take to the local pharmacy. Yay.

I took my damn prescription and proceeded to sit in the pharmacy waiting room with about five other ready-to-trigger ladies for another hour. An HOUR. Finally, they took each of us (I was last) into a private room, told us to drop trow, and administered our shots.

I was instructed to get good and boned on Saturday and Sunday, so we followed those directions to the T.

Now, I've determined that I will find out whether or not this cycle worked right before the Independence Day weekend. So, either I'll be floating on an inner tube, drinking a margarita in the sunshine, OR I'll be passing off my seltzer and limes as gin and tonics. As nice as that summer drink sounds, I'm really hoping I have to play sober sister that weekend...

Time To Move

2010-06-16T08:38:00.003-05:00

What can I say about this week?...

It's been a bitch.

The shitty parts have all been work-related, though, and the rest of my life is still A-Okay, so at least I've got that goin' for me. I can leave work behind at 5:00 and the rest of my day is pretty nice. I have an awesome husband, fun friends, and shit could be worse.

Now about my uterus...

For the past six months, I've known that my medical clinic would eventually be moving across town. As things stand, I live about a mile from my midwives/doctors, and work about three miles from them. Not bad, right? Well, their new locale is seriously farther--like add about 20 minutes driving time and you'd be there.

Now, ever since I knew about this move, I hadn't been worried because I completely, seriously thought I'd be pregnant again before they packed up. All of these frequent trips I'm making now to get my lady bits scanned and pills shoved down my throat--I just figured they'd be done by now. Sure, I'd still have to go in for prenatal visits, but those would be further apart and, until the last month or so of pregnancy, wouldn't be a big deal, time-wise.

But... obviously I'm not pregnant. So, this Friday will mark my first time going to the doctor at the brand new women's hospital. I need to take half an hour more time off work just to get out there, so this shit better be worth it.

On Friday I get scanned and then they're going to give me a trigger shot to actually get one of my lazy eggs to leave my ovary. I'm pretty sure they've been failing to do that lately.

Saturday and Sunday? Well, I guess there'll be a lot of marital banging going on, so I'm lookin' damn forward to that.

Well, So Much For THAT Plan

2010-06-10T12:00:00.003-05:00

We just passed our estimated due date for the baby who miscarried in November. The plan/goal/stupid dream was to be good and pregnant again before this date ever came. But... well, you know how far plans get you in this world.

I'm no longer making goals or thinking about what months would be really great in which to have a baby. I used to do that stuff. Not out loud, but quietly in the back of my mind.

Right now, I'm just taking this month-by-month, hoping that someday it'll all work out.

Tonight will be my third dose of Clomid this month. It's further than I got last month when I had to stop after two days due to the horrendous PAIN. I'm still in pain now, but I can manage it with ibuprofen. That's weird, right? Pain during Clomid? Well, my doc did an ultrasound and said all looked fine, so whatever. I'm sticking it out this month in hopes that I can finally get a damn egg to pop out and get all kinds of fertilized.

Just One More Day, Please!

2010-06-08T15:21:00.005-05:00

No, no more vacation for me. I'm back to work and I actually felt my heart drop this morning as I was trudging through the front doors. Four days off (two vacation days and two weekend days) are definitely not enough. That was the longest stretch I've been out of work since my wedding almost three years ago!

Despite this, it was a wonderful break. C and I took the extra day before the wedding to drive the six-hour trip at a leisurely pace and stop wherever the mood struck. This was the best decision we could've made. It led us to eating lunch at the barn of a retired neurosurgeon who cooked us the best Indian food you could ask for. Next, we visited the National Hobo Museum in Britt, Iowa, where they annually crown a hobo king and queen. Who knew?! We ended up exploring a small town that surrounded a huge lake for the rest of the evening. There, we found the greatest bar known to man. It was in the basement of some old lady's house with $1.50 cocktails and a sassy, fun-loving clientèle who made us yearn to be 30 years older and WAY more retired.

That night, we stayed at a local Bed & Breakfast, one block from the lake. We had the entire top floor to ourselves. It even had a little sitting room with fresh baked cookies on the table! C and I watched "The Best of Johnny Carson" before we tucked in for the night. It couldn't have been more precious.

After that great day, we spent the rest of the weekend up in Minneapolis with my extended family for a wedding. That part was fine. Nothing of great note.

Well, one thing: my period started on our last day there.

So, it's back to reality and back to Clomid starting tonight.

Vacation Time!

2010-06-02T15:40:00.002-05:00

Okay, so it's only a three day vacation and half of it will be spent with family at a wedding, but... it's still a vacation! No work. No chores. No real commitments. This, my friends, is exactly what I need.

The husband and I are staying at a Bed & Breakfast in Iowa, on our way to the twin cities. I'm gonna see if I can charm him into joining me on a lake cruise for cocktails tomorrow night. That's the plan.

I'll catch up with your posts when I get back and have to return to my fluorescent-lit work cave. But let's not think about that right now...